Monday, November 7, 2011

DOORMAT Duties Can Be OK

So, it's Monday. Most of you know that means one thing for sure: DOORMAT Duties! And a thing that goes along with this weekly occurrence is trying to get victory over my arch nemesis, DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh! So here's how it went down today.

Instead of being asked to help DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh with her crazy copying methods (she beat me in there today), I was asked to make other copies. Good! However, I had to set her straight on how many of HER copies I actually needed since we were always coming up short. So I made sure mine would be COVERED! Funny: only one pile of copies was set up in the way I showed her. And she was still using the machinery wrong. But I dealt with it as I was slightly defeated this week - but still got a bit of victory at the same time.

I will let you in on what I mostly do with my DOORMAT duties when I go in on Mondays. I try to help 1st graders become better readers. That's right - a bring 22 kids out of the classroom, one at a time, to check their reading fluency & record it. DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh relies on stickers to give the kids - sadly I think it's because she has a scary & in-your-face personality. I just get the kids excited about it. And the kids love to show me how well they can read this week!

Now besides DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh, there's also an experienced grandmother who comes to help out, too. I get the feeling that Granny is also tired of DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh & her antics. But I noticed that the school has a few park-type benches in the hallways, but DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh & Granny already had the 2 benches in our hallway. So I just camped out & set up my station on the floor outside Bossyhead's classroom. Well - I got an accommodations upgrade today! Was it a park-type bench? Nope! I am now getting to use a makeshift classroom down the hallway! OK, stick with me on this one - it's in a glorified janitor's closet. Really - but they set up an area for a tutoring or help area. There's a nice u-shaped table & chairs - and they are nice! They sit upon a really cute little school rug. And it was offered to ME! Bwah-hahahaha!!

The kids seemed to do much better over all, too. And It's my place for a couple of hours! And those kids are funny! I wished it was a room that had one of those 'Kids Say the Darndest Things' kind of camera. I was asking them about their Halloween & if they ate all their candy. They were cracking me up! It was actually a bit of a bright spot.

And now an inspirational moment: There is a kindergardener at Bossyhead's school who has Down's Syndrome & needs a lot of help. But she is so sweet & so adorable. She loves seeing me on Mondays & saying hi. I always have something in my hair - generally a flower of sorts. She always loves my flowers & has to point them out. I got to see her twice today & she couldn't wait to say hi to me both times. It warms my heart. So I want to make it known that I love people with Down's Syndrome. They have an innocence on life & know nothing but love. All that I have met & known have been so full of life & love. If I EVER hear of someone making fun of one or any of them - I will go white-girl crazy on you & may punch someone in the face. That is your warning. We all can learn from these people with a condition they cannot help. We all need their beautiful spirits.

That was my day! The best DOORMAT duty day so far! It makes me OK with dealing with the craziness of DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh!
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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I Love My Family, I Love My Family, I Love My Fam...(and a Personal Victory)

So let me take a moment to share some of my chaos lately. And it is chaotic - so grab a drink & sit back.

Last weekend, Bossyhead had a soccer game about 30 minutes away. It was in a neighboring community of my hometown. My hometown is where ALL of our immediate family lives. So they were thrilled that they didn't have to make the weekly 30 minute drive themselves. AND - when they find out we are heading out their direction - EVERYONE wants to see us! It becomes a long day.

Well, it was on a Sunday. We had church, then we got to eat lunch & find enough time to get ourselves ready for the game. We head out to the game and have to deal with MIL getting lost, so BIL had to drive her. So another family member. But, remember - I like him. Just don't tell him, it might go to his head. My folks were there, too. Well, after the soccer game, we were invited to go over my parents' house to take in the late afternoon football game on TV. So we agreed, then left a little early after our team put a whomping on our rivals! So we headed over to see my homebound grandmother for a little bit. That's hard to deal with sometimes, but it was a good visit & needed to happen. But we couldn't stay long since we needed to go over & see the inlaws. I was not looking forward to this visit. Because MIL had been dying for us to come over for weeks to show off their remote control Santa they got from their garage saleing. Well, we saw it. All hubsy & I could do was just shake our heads. MIL was over-giddy about it. And keep in mind that they have kept that Santa in their kitchen/living room area so we could see it. It's been there for about 3 weeks. Geesh. At this point I had a migraine setting in - any idea why? And then they all forgot & kept yelling at each other to 'come here' & then pull the 'OOPS - I forgot' thing when they realize how bad I hurt. *sigh* Remember? It's Sunday! Now it's a school night - and it IS night by this point. We are still 30 minutes from home & still need to get the kids cleaned up & in bed. Right? WRONG! My inlaws were getting new furniture & so ALL of their living room & dining room furniture were going over to my BIL's. He can't find anyone with a truck on such short notice - so - since hubsy has a truck, guess what that meant! *sigh* So they all load up the furniture to take another 15 minute drive to unload at BIL's. And I hurt. We finally got home late, but got the kids cleaned up & in bed after an overly exhausting day. Turned into a total omelette!

Then, of course the next day is Monday: DOORMAT duties & having to deal with DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh. Well, when I got to Bossyhead's school, they weren't doing what I help with each week since it was a shortened school week. So? No having to deal with DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh! YAY! Wait - short school week? *sigh*

We also dealt with parent-teacher conference (only for Bossyhead) and dealing with Woogie's birthday. I can't be old enough to have a 14 yr old! Not possible! But we'd been trying to figure out how to work having a get-together for his birthday, which is mostly with family. Of course.

Well, Bossyhead had his last game this past weekend, here on our home turf. So the family came out to watch (my mom & dad, , the inlaws, BIL, PLUS hubsy's aunt, uncle & cousin who happen to be in town). Now, when there's a game going of a kid your supporting, I would think you would pay attention. Only hubsy, peeping mom & I were the ones paying attention as needed. EVERYONE else was starting conversations & acted like they were the only ones there. SERIOUSLY! When a game is going & you come up to ask me how the movie way, I will walk away from you. Just for future reference. Oh, and it's not the time to talk about politics, talk horribly about people who are dead, and/or how everything should be about you. Oh, and I know you want to tell the kid you're supporting they are doing a great job, but just because he takes a break on the bench doesn't give you the right to just walk over & start a conversation with them. WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE GAME! That's all I'm saying. And yes, that's what we were dealing with. Oh, and don't put pressure on the kid you're watching to score a goal & make sure the team wins just for YOUR bragging rights.

Then, after the game, we all were going to head over to our house for a cookout to celebrate Woogie's bday. I made a swirl cake, but have no decorating skills for a cake. That's my mom's territory, but Woogie wanted me to do it. Of course. So I had to fake all the baking plus made extra cupcakes, too. I did all the baking BEFORE the game & knew I'd have to decorate while the WHOLE family was there. SURPRISE! This included everyone at the game PLUS: my brother, grandma (yay!), SIL & hubby + girls, and with the addition of Teen Diva's new boyfriend. Whew!

So now I have MIL whining because I didn't make cupcakes SHE wanted! Um - I think she forgets it's not HER party. Then she eventually begins to tell EVERYONE (loudly) about the bachelor & bachelorette parties at strip clubs that hubsy's aunt & uncle went to a year & a half ago AND started talking about stripper names & lap dances. Um - in front of the kids. When we told her to shut up, she just started loudly whispering the rest of her thought. Then when we tell her to shut up AGAIN (reminding her about her grandchildren), she gives it a break for about 2 minutes & starts in on it again. Ugh & ew! Peeping mom is standing around in the kitchen watching my decorating failures & wanting to help. But I can DO this!! So I try & the cake turned out crazy, messy, cool! She admitted she was impressed. And I made my own icing - which mom approves of! YAY! Oh, and MIL & the aunt devoured the 3 leftover pieces of birthday cookie cake that Woogie was hoping to hold onto to have at another time. But they were hungry & couldn't wait for the grilling, so they gobbled it up & MIL wanted to know about licking the beaters from the cake batter. I can't make this stuff up, people. Then Goober (belongs to MIL - the yang to her yang), is all heart but just needs to sit in a corner. He wants to help & is a lot of talkin' about stuff he actually doesn't get. Have I ever mentioned how the inlaws need a 24/7 chaperone or assisted living? Just wondering - it's because they do! Meeting the boyfriend was OK. He seemed nice enough & they were cute together even though he is about 3 of her (she's super petite with a tiny & he was very tall with a bigger frame). But he was prepared to meet the lunatics (because that's how Teen Diva described the whole family - nice). We had to deal with MIL wanting to know when we were doing the cake so she could eat 4 of my cupcakes. Geesh!

When it came time for gifts, Woogie got a few new shirts & a couple of jackets. MIL was just announcing & gushing about how 'pretty' was going to look going back to school on Monday. Ugh. My poor son. And when it was time for all to depart, the inlaws think they are in so good with my grandma. She thinks they are immature & need to grow up! HA!! So do the rest of us.

FINALLY when everyone left, we just had the boyfriend hanging around. His mom brought him was going to pick him up late. That's fine - let's get to know him! But when it came time for him to be picked up - he just left. Teen Diva walked him out, but he said nothing to us. *RED FLAG*

Well, on Sunday, Teen Diva got to sing a little bit of a solo EARLY with the 'old people choir'. Very proud of her! And one of the girls she's having teen drama with had to sit there & watch & listen. HA! Well, during another service (our normal one), Teen Diva got a text message from the boyfriend. Not a good one either. It was a BREAKUP TEXT!! Because he doesn't drive & they wouldn't get to hang out much. WHAT?? For being such a big guy, he was certainly a weenie! But Teen Diva may have another guy in the wings; one she already had a thing for but didn't think she had any chance with. Well, there might be now. I told her to change her focus since this pig isn't worth her hormonal emotions! But, in diva-fashion, I think she's milking it for all it's worth.


Then yesterday came around - Monday. This would mean? DOORMAT duties (with the SUCKER hat). And I was putting my guard up for DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh! When I showed up, the copies had not even been made yet - so I went to check on them ---- and my arch nemesis had not shown up yet. So - I took the copies & RAN to the copy room. So that meant I was in charge this time!! Eventually, DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh came blowing in like a tumbleweed & I told her what she needed to do & how to do it! Guess what? We were organized & got done faster. Go figure. VICTORY IS MINE!!!

So, also had Halloween - I did extra DOORMAT duties at Bossyhead's school as I got roped into helping with the party. Apparently my 'NO' button was broken when I got asked. But that was fun & I got to take Bossyhead home early! Worked out great! Had to put up Halloween decor for the Trick or Treaters, get my costume on, help the kids with their costumes, set out the candy, eat dinner, and attempt to watch Monday Night Football. What a night!I do love Halloween!

So, my friends, that's what I've been up to. I think you're mostly caught up!
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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Be Vewy, Vewy Quiet...

This morning, Bossyhead had gotten up & was laying on the floor watching TV. And I noticed that he was no longer looking at the television. The lower half of his body had not moved, but the upper half was slightly twisted, with his chin on his soccer ball, facing the opposite direction of the TV. He looked dazed, like maybe daydreaming or something.

I asked him if he was doing OK. He only shifted his eyes to me & nodded slightly, then his eyes began staring at the floor again. I kept watching him to see what the deal was.

As I looked closer, I realized he was studying a fly on the carpet. So I asked him if he was looking at the fly. Again, I only received a slight nod. He was doing this in hopes to not scare the fly away.

So, as I watched him, his look slightly changed. He rolled forward on his ball a bit & quickly raised & lowered his arm as to attempt to smash the fly - but to no avail.

I then noticed that the ball had been moved out of the way, he was laid out, on his belly, in commando position, tracking down the fly on the floor again - slowly making his move, quietly slithering closer. A raise of the hand & a quick lowering of the hand proved to be another defeat.

He has given up for now, but I know it will become personal. Those little buggers (pun intended) may not stand a chance against our little nimrod.


UPDATE: This afternoon - he got one! We are so proud. Carry on.

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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Playing With My (Halloween) Food

I'm going make it very known that I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!

If I have the chance to be creative with my food for it, I do it. I try to keep my anonymity around these parts, but I'm going share some of my fun creations & it might give me away to some. That's how it goes. I want to share some fun ideas with you. You can either gawk & be horrified or gander & be amazed! HA!

My favorite is the stuff I use with my brain mold. I have a big one that I have used, and recently received a smaller one that I really want to use! They can be used to make a cheeseball (love doing a cheese brain) or gelatin. We even used the big brain mold for a brain project for Woogie several years ago. He got an 'A' & the class loved the jello brain! Apparently no one had done jello brain for a brain model for the project before. HA! And, for effect - serve on a silver platter. When the cheese brain was done, we brushed a little ketchup over the top for gorier effect.

Another fun one is a zombie face cake! Take several layers of foil & put it over your face or someone else's. Not to smother them - but to make a mold of their face. The several layers of foil help give it stability. Carefully place the foil mold face down (pun slightly intended) in a cake pan. I have one that was completely cut up & bent to hold the face mold. Spray the foil face with cooking spray & then take red velvet cake mix & fill as much as you can. Bake it & use the toothpick test. Sometimes it may bake for a couple of hours. But when you take it out & let it cool, pick that thing up & flip it over in a cake pan or glass dish; peel off the foil & you will be amazed at what you see! Take a blue, black or brown icing pen & make a line over the mouth & eyes. Crush oreos & put it around the face cake & it will look like a zombie face coming out of the ground!

There' also punch you can make. A tomato-juice-based drink that you can add cherry to, or other fruit juices to sweeten it up. take some of the juice & put it in a human heart mold & freeze it. Spray the mold first! You then can have a floating heart in your blood punch. So cool! Serve it in a cauldron! Bwah-hahahaha! (Sorry - no pic of it.)

There's also witch fingers you can make. Take your favorite cookie dough & form cylinders. Begin shaping them into "fingers" & add an almond slice at the tip for a fingernail. Color the dough with green food coloring if you want witch fingers.

Another tomato-juice-based dish you can make is Eyeball Soup. It's red, creamy, hot (simmer down people - hehe), and it has pearl onions in it! I took it a step further & added whole cloves to one end of each onion I put in there. It was wonderfully twisted!

So, there you go. Inside my mind at Halloween time. So much fun. Bone Appetite!
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DOORMAT Victory! (a small one)

What a crazy week, but thought I'd share what happened Monday with my DOORMAT duties!

If you have kept up with these adventures, you know I have an arch nemesis: DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh! She is insane, has no idea what she's doing, and has still gotten to be put in charge of doing the major portion of copies for several 1st grade classes. She is new to the school & believes everyone else is too. She's loud & refuses to listen to ANYONE! So when I don't have my stuff because we are waiting on her, I get the 'privilege' (it's not a right) to be able to help this psycho out. yippee & yay me. (Can you sense the excitement? I knew you could!)

Well, Monday was one of those days. And she was given a more difficult task that she could NOT keep up with! I was trying to help out what she was already making a mess of, adding all kinds of extra steps of work & was only concerned about the math of things rather than keeping it simple & getting the job done. When I tried to give her a couple of tips, she got mad at me & nearly yelled (said REALLY loudly), "WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN METHODS!" Whoa! Simmer down princess. She refused to see that her method doesn't work. The copies were in piles that made no sense & the piles were running together. Do you understand how she gained her name? And in the mess, she had to ask me how to work an actual copier! There are rules on what can & can't be run on a copier and the risograph. She refused to find out until I said something to her. Geesh!

Once we think we have everything together now, and everything is separated per class, the teacher I work with appeared very displeased with the odd pile I gave her. I think she sensed my confusion as well since DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh was the only one with any information & she refused to give it. Once we got things sorted out, it became very apparent that I was short one pile of what I needed. I went to another Doormat helper to see if she had extras in her pile. Alas, she did not. SHE actually was short also. So I had to go to my arch nemesis to see if she had extra. What do you know - she had counted wrong & she had 2 extra. Go figure. But it wasn't enough to go around.

So I had to put on my cape & come to the rescue. I went & made the extra copies needed as the Doormat Helper seemed quite relieved & I got to finish my duties.

It appeared that commotion may have come out of this as I was talking to my real life fabulous crazy neighbor (really do love her). She came into the school & I was trying to see if she knew anything about this villain. She did not, but does crazy-cool detective work! (She's really nosy when she needs to be.) She went to the teacher who DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh works for about the mess. I think the teacher I work for may have done the same thing.

Well, when I was done, I started to leave. But the teacher I worked for got puppy-dog eyes & asked if I would take over on a copy project. Usually I would say no - but not today! I wanted to prove that there is a better way! I got the project done, in order, separated properly & to my go-to teacher in efficient time & it was ready to go. HA-HA-HA! *super hero stance* My job here is done!

Let's see what the next Monday brings & what happens. Let's see if DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh will continue to be trusted - or will have been defeated!

To Be Continued...

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Monday, October 17, 2011

Money, Money, Money - I Hate Fundraising

You mean you brought home ANOTHER fundraiser that we aren't going to do? I know you want the crappy prizes, but we aren't getting crappy stuff!

Anyone else have this thought process or conversation with their kids about school fundraisers? These things are horrible!

I know the school needs money for resources and the like, but there's GOT to be a better way!

And? There are 300 other kids selling the same crap to everyone else, too. Annoying! And? They get prizes for selling enough of the crap! So - if you sell 73.4 items, you get get a pencil topper & fart slime? Awesome. We get to spend $83 to get a crappy plastic ladle & coasters? Great. Worth it? NOT A CHANCE!

I would rather the schools just send out a note saying they need $$$. I will happily just give them $20 or $30 to help out. Seriously.

Now my kids have done the "district fundraiser". EVERY kid from kindergarten through 8th grade was to sell these for "fabulous prizes" (see above paragraph). But all these kids in the district are selling them. We had 2 in our house selling them. They were due today. We didn't buy any. Instead we bribed the boys with $5 each that they could spend on whatever crap prize they want from Wally World or elsewhere & then we didn't have to take a card that we would only use 2 of the 20 things from.

I have a much better fundraising idea! Have a talent show for the faculty. Let the kids advertise for it & then keep a tab of which kids you are there to watch the show for. Most of the faculty have an outside talent that can be shared. However, if one was moonlighting as a pole dancer or drag queen, that might be a little different. But I digress. Most of them have a singing, dancing (appropriate), magic, etc. talent. What kid wouldn't want to know that about their educators! And the parents would love to know who is working with their kids - so show off the talent! The kids would beg to come to this event, it would be entertaining for adults & it wouldn't take a kid asking you to buy 20 things to get a crap prize. Hold a drawing at the event for the kids AND for the adults.

I want to help the schools. They need money. I've seen it first hand from doing DOORMAT duties to see where the money needs to go. But there HAS to be a better way! People are guilting their kids into being seriously pushy sales people. It's frustrating when they get told they need to get pumped up for crappy prizes. If they want prizes, just send some $$ to school in their name & give them happy stickers. I mean really!

Am I the only one who feels this way? Or has anyone else bribed their kids into NOT doing a fundraiser?
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Thursday, October 13, 2011

Messin' With Teen Diva

For the parents out there who end up watching the kids' show 'iCarly', you will be familiar with the bit they do called 'Messin' With Lewbert' (insert remote control crowd cheers here). If you don't know what I'm talking about, Carly & her two friends have a web show. They do a bit once in a while that focuses on pranking their horrible doorman at the apartment building. He is pretty nasty - and his name is Lewbert - and he has a nasty, giant wart on his face with a personality to match.

Well, Teen Diva isn't AS bad as Lewbert, but she can get pretty nasty & hateful. She's also fairly gullible & it is SO much fun to mess with! She may learn & become immune to it one of these days - but we will continue to have a lot of fun with it until & if that day ever comes!

If you saw my fantastic parenting in the cell phone blog post, you will know what an issue we can have with Teen Diva & her cell phone. Well, the mean parent struck again with that cell phone. Want to know what I did? Keep reading!

We have a rule about electronics in our house: ALL electronic from the kids (phones, laptops, Nintendo DS', iPods, etc.) MUST be turned in BEFORE they go bed. And they must get permission to retrieve ANY of their electronics. If these are not met, you lose your electronics by discretion. And we do still get them "forgetting" to turn their stuff in & sometimes we get them trying to find a loophole of sorts.

Of course, Teen Diva is a main culprit of this. We hear a lot of excuses as to why things can't be turned in. Usually it's because she "lost" the item in her black hole. She's even snuck her electronics out & tried to tell us that we never gave it back to her from last time, but it's sitting on her bed. Things like that. (a bonus tip: to keep them from sneaking them out during their "grounding", hide electronics in some kind of bag or garment & put it in the trunk of your car. Bwah-hahahaha)

Well, last night, we noticed she never came out of hiding after getting cleaned up. I went to check on her & she was PASSED OUT (almost sleeping beauty-style) on her bed with her phone placed beautifully on her pillow. So - I snuck over to the bed, took the phone, then turned out her light.

Being the "nice mommy", I checked to see if it needed charging. It did, so I plugged in her phone this time, but placed it under an end table while it charged. Apparently she got up at one point & freaked out because she couldn't find her phone.

When I woke her up this morning, I didn't say a word about it. She woke up talking 500 mph about how she looked for her phone & it was right there & she thought she had it & looked everywhere & she doesn't know where it is & blah-blah-blah. She never picked up on the fact that I was really calm about it. I just told her to eat breakfast.

She got done with breakfast early to spend TWENTY MINUTES trying to find her phone in her black hole. I reminded her she needed to get ready for school & to stop looking for the phone. However, in this time, she thought that taking our ONE landline receiver to the black hole to call the "missing" phone was a good idea - even though the cell phone is on vibrate & she now lost the ONE landline receiver in the black hole. Awesome.

I calmly took the phone off the charger & set the phone on her backpack. As she rushed to get herself together, I noticed she had a different, smaller bag. I asked her about her backpack & she said she didn't need it. I did inform her to check her backpack. She did & said she found the phone. She tried to ask me where it was at.

I told her to have a good day & sent her out the door. I wonder if she'll think through not turning in her phone. Well, at least for a week. The freak-out is WAY better than the grounding!

And it's so worth it, but holding her laptop, iPod & DS hostage in my trunk is pretty entertaining.
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Monday, October 10, 2011

Cleaning Tip: The Darn Thing Was Loaded With Sh...

'...aving cream, be nice clean. Shave everyday and you'll always look keen!'

That's right, I'm going to give you a really-truly-true, really true cleaning tip! Oh, I can hear you --- "Say What?" I know. But sometimes I can come up with a gem or two. And if you haven't figured out - it involves: SHAVING CREAM!

I do not know the science behind it, but it is a killer cleaner! Sinks, tubs, mirrors - seriously! Get the super cheap stuff, no need to make things pricey. Keep. It. Cheap.

Squirt the cream (simmer down & get those minds out of the gutter) all over the surface. Take a scrub brush, or whatever you choose to scrub with, and scrub the entire surface with it. Rinse with water. If the staining is bad enough, use a little bleach or bleach cleaner with it.

I used some on our bathtub yesterday. Hubsy got out of the shower, he asked if I thought it worked. I asked him what he thought. He began to act like he'd been blinded & said he thought a layer of enamel may have been stripped away. This caused me to begin laughing. That's what prompted him saying he sometimes loves my laugh since it sometimes gets a "bat of an eyelash away from snorting".

So, cleaning method: Approved.

See? And it's quick, cheap & easy! (simmer down & get your minds out of the gutter)
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The Dream Predicted This Omelette

Well, let's just get out of the way that today turned into an omelette. With no warning, as usual.

Mondays are when I perform my DOORMAT duties & usually have to deal with my arch nemesis, DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh. But before I get to the actual omelette of a day, let me tell you a back story & I'll go from there:

*insert Wayne's World Flashback sound effect here - DOO-Doo-doo, DOO-Doo-doo*

Bossyhead's teacher found out last year that she had cancer. She & I have a few mutual friends, so I kind of knew what was going on with this teacher. So I thought it was interesting that Bossyhead got her this year. She is doing OK, but still going in for occasional treatments. When she does, there is one teacher that comes in & subs. This is really good for continuity for the kids so they have familiarity with the sub & the sub with them. The kids have an idea of what goes on & they know the schedule of when the sub comes in.

Well, the sub was in this last week on Thursday & Friday. Bossyhead got up today & started talking about the sub. He asked if I knew who she is & when her schedule is. I told him yes. So he said that he had a dream last night that this sub was there on Thursday, Friday AND Monday. I told him that his teacher should be there today.

So, we get around this morning to do my DOORMAT duties (looks like we are back to where we left off). When we got to school, the students from his class were still in the hallway waiting to enter the classroom. The only class waiting to enter their classroom. Finally another teacher stuck her head in the door & then walked out with -------- A SUB!! Not their regularly scheduled one either. I'm talking a chic who had no idea the class was supposed to be greeted at the door, looked like a deer in the headlights. I told her I come in on Mondays to work with the kids & didn't know if she had anything. *receives very blank stare* "Uh - she didn't tell - hmmm - I don't know - *speechless & staring*". She was a total deer in the headlights. That signaled my exit.

There was rain in our area today, the full moon is coming, and this gal is assigned to a class of 1st graders & she doesn't know what she's doing. My kid came home OK, but the neighbor kid talked about what a horrible day it was. I wonder if the sub survived.

But it opened up my morning! And I didn't have to deal with DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh!
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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Explaining Lunar-tics

Yesterday, I had to do some driving on the highway to help out with some family stuff. The drivers were CA-RAY-ZAY! And not just one or two - a whole slue of them. And it got me thinking about when this tends to happen - full moon.

Now I used to have a J.O.B. several years ago where I was the main receptionist for several bank branches. Our particular lobby was pretty telling of what the lunar phase was, so much so that I started keeping up on when the full moon was. When it was time for the full moon, I would send an email to all employees that had a LOT of customer contact to beware. And I would always be right. It would be scary the characters & demeanors that would come out during that time. Full-on CA-RAY-ZAY!

Well, I also noticed something else - when the lunar half-moon is out, it brings out the half-wits. Seriously. Watch for it.

So, as I was trying to figure out if it was a full moon, I talked to hubsy to see if he knew. Last night, we looked up & saw ------------------- half-moon. Yes indeed - the half-wits came out to play.

I got thinking about these lunar phases: should we play quarters on the quarter-moon, and should we be baby-making on the baby moon (or practicing)?

Now, you should feel slightly & strangely educated. And beware on the full moon AND half moon. You're welcome.
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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Acquiring the 50's - Hopefully

Recently I have gained a chance to acquire something so amazing & exciting, I am hoping to get a hold of it. And I promise, it is not a seashell crucifix - I promise!

We are going through my grandmother's house that we are getting ready to sell right now, so we are trying to divey up some things. She recently moved to assisted living, so it's OK. But it's hard going through all of the stuff like she isn't with us.

However, as much history is in that place that she has held onto, I am dying to get a hold of some fabulous things that I could still use! Want to know what it is? Well I just might tell you!

I got a hankerin' to get a table & 3 chairs, refrigerator, rolling cart, cabinet & toaster all from the 50's & all in silver & white! They are fabulous! But we are not sure where to put the stuff. And I knew hubsy wouldn't exactly be pleased about any of this.

Well, I spoke to him today, vocally batted my eyes (it can be done), and I gave him my ideas. Hubsy's reaction was letting me know that we don't have room, I must be crazy, and that he is not telling me no!

He didn't say yes - but he didn't say NO! Oh, this stuff is so mine! WaHoo!
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Monday, October 3, 2011

A Case of Cheating Not Helping

Today is Monday, a day when I do my duties that requires my DOORMAT tshirt & SUCKER hat: volunteering at Bossyhead's school. And, if you read some previous posts about this (blog or Facebook) then you know about my up & coming arch nemesis, DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh.

However, I haven't had to deal with this villain's copying shenanigans lately, but today was a new one. It's proof of cases when cheating does NO one any good!

Now, I'm all about some cheating as a shortcut, but not when you are dealing with volunteering in the education field.

Lately, the duties I've been helping with is working with the kids on their reading fluency. It isn't our job at that moment to walk them through, but instead make note of where they need help. Trust me, if I was given the reign to help them with the words, I'd be on it! But imagine my dismay when the forces of evil were at hand:

I could hear DISORGANIZED DITTO-oh-oh-oh-oh timing the kids & TELLING them what words were next! How does that help the kids except to bump them up for a moment? What happens when the go to read it at home or to their teacher & don't do nearly as well as this first time out bump in WPM number? So frustrating! There are a couple of kids I work with who only know maybe 3-5 words, period, right now. I would LOVE to tell them the words & help them sound it out. But we have to show where they are at & any growth they have gotten.

Then, on top of that, I had a slight break as Bossyhead's class left the room for a few minutes, so I was just camped in the hallway - listening to my arch nemesis cheating with the class she was working with. One girl came out to work with DD-oh-oh-oh-oh (must always have the echo) who was in Bossyhead's class last year. She saw me sitting in the hallway & waved at me a couple of times - which I waved back, of course. DD-oh-oh-oh-oh actually questioned if I really knew the little girl! REALLY? Listen, new chick on the block, who only came in because you didn't like the school your kid was in before - who do you think you are questioning who knows whom & helping cheat these kids through NOTHING? The audacity is disgusting!

Do you sense the weirdness of evil like I do?

OK, off my soapbox for now. But this is NOT over!
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Sunday, October 2, 2011

Future White Elephants

My MIL is an avid garage saler. Sometimes it's to a fault. She has recently come into some extra freedom to go do more of it. The things she has ended up with lately, though have been MUCH less than appealing!

Recently the inlaws have been acquiring some animated animals that sing. 3 of them so far - one of them given to Teen Diva. A hamster singing "I'm Too Sexy" is Perfect White Elephant (PWE) #1.

They have also been picking up strange Christmas items. The most recent is a 3 ft tall, remote control Santa with a serving tray on his head. MIL is totally giddy about playing with it & making it go through their place. They want us out very soon to show it to us. Ick.

So, onto the visit last night. They came over after - you guessed it - garage saling ALL DAY LONG. Yay for us.

We have a rule at our house that the kids cannot have food or drink in their rooms. It's due to saving all of us from unneeded spills, germs, extra trash & missing dishes. I think it makes sense. But - when the inlaws showed up last night, this is what we find for Teen Diva:

When I confronted MIL about how this is not allowed, she informed me it is just for water. So I explained that this will encourage the disappearance of cups & glasses into Teen Diva's black hole. MIL said they planned on buying her little paper cups to keep in there. So - encouraging more trash. Oh, and spillage. I was pissed! And MIL didn't understand why. So? PWE #2 in the works - I don't care how much Teen Diva likes it.

Then, when I had a chance to just sit down on the couch, I saw one of the most horrendous things I have ever, Ever, EVER laid my eyes on. All I can say at this moment is - prepare yourselves.

Brace yourselves.

But here is what I promised.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Is the suspense killing you?

Are you all OK? I still haven't recovered. Partially because it is still in our house! The inlaws noticed I wasn't as "taken" with it as MIL. She thought it was so pretty! She wanted Hubsy to put it in his office. Hubsy can't even look at it. And yes, what you are looking at what is PWE #3 - a seashell crucifix. A seashell cross is weird enough, but a plastic bleeding Jesus hanging from it, too? Then, even better - MIL said they had to fix Jesus' arm because it broke. They superglued the arm back on! I'm speechless looking at it - so is Hubsy.

And, not sure if I'm happy for this or hurting for them, but Woogie & Bossyhead didn't really get anything. Well, Bossyhead got pajamas that WE requested they pick up. So we knew what we were getting, but I can't imagine if they picked things out on their on at garage sales. Yowza.

So, since the inlaws are each other's yin to their yin (yes ,they are TOO much alike), and cannot discern anything, I'm am in true belief they need 24/7 chaperoning. Save us all!
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Friday, September 30, 2011

Parenting: Teens With Cell Phones

Teen Diva is having some school issues. The kind that we decided to begin emailing teachers to kind of keep up on things. When asking about what work she might be missing, here is a response I got from one of the teachers:

"...Teen Diva has plenty of time to raise her grade before the end of the semester, but she will need to focus better in class. She spends a great deal of time texting and checking her phone. I believe that she could easily complete the assignments in this class, but she seems preoccupied with other matters. I accept late work if it is turned in the day after it was due- but not past that unless there was an illness involved.

Let me know if you have any suggestions- I’m open to any recommendations you might be able to offer!"

Well, first, there is a policy where the teachers are supposed to take cell phones & have parents pick up the phone if caught texting in class. DUH! So that was our "suggestion" to this teacher - actually enforce the policy! DUH!

Well, lo & behold, when I picked up Teen Diva from school,she was complaining that this particular teacher had, indeed, taken her phone & the office was already closed. So she was hoping I'd get it for her the next day (yesterday).

I had a busy day hanging with the neighborhood & really didn't want to go over to the school since she had to be picked up later anyway, PLUS I had to go back over for a meeting that night. Too many trips.

Well, I got a whiney call from her wondering when I was coming to get the phone. I explained that I was waiting for her father to get home so he & I could run some errands a day early since Friday shaped up to be different that usual. Thursdays are "early" days at her school, but she had practice a little later & decided to stay through the down time. I said I couldn't promise coming to get the phone in time & she just needed to know that. But she was still begging for me to come up AND bring her charger!

She was still hoping I'd go get it & take it to her in the library at the school. Folks, this is a big school. I don't know where anything is except the attendance office & main office on my own. Either way, she was staying & I asked her what she planned to do during the down time. She offered up finishing homework & reading her overdue books. Good Idea! But she's pretty social & I knew that probably wasn't happening. Because she forgets we don't sit around all day hoping to do something for her at the very moment she asks. She does get reminded that there is a whole other world out there beyond just her.

Well, I got myself together & decided to go get the phone anyway. Simmer down, it's not "giving in" it's "parenting strategy". Here's how:

I went up to the school, had to go into the main office to pick up & sign out the phone. As I walked out, I looked straight down a hall --- right into the library! Hmmm - do I or don't I? I did! I walked down into a very crowded library! Dang it! So, I did a quick scan & found Teen Diva, sitting on a ledge, chatting with friends. In general, this is fine, but she was supposed to be at a table reading & doing homework. Remember?

So I walked over & approached her all stealth-like. She jumped when she realized I was totally Ninja-Mom, and I handed her the phone. As I handed it to her, I said, "Nice to see you reading." I turned and walked away & I hear as I walked toward the library exit, "But it's dead!" This prompted me to turn back over my shoulder, still walking out, & giving her a shrug. Keep in mind, it was in front of her friends & a crowded high school library.

That, my friends, is parenting! She still got what she wanted, but on my terms & with an element of cold surprise. Bwha-hahahah!
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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Nearly Neighborly Eyeful

First, I would like to wish you all a very Happy National Good Neighbor Day! You know I love my neighbors! And I almost was a REALLY good neighbor to some of my real life neighbors. And it would have been embarrassing - for me anyway.

My day yesterday was a little turned upside-down. Slightly Omelette, but it could've been worse. After my kids were a bit difficult as we were preparing for a very full morning of getting a new furnace & air conditioner, I didn't exactly have the time I had hoped to sneak in to get cleaned up. It was just the heating & air guys, so who cares! And by the time they were done, it was time to get ready to get the kids home from school.

So, today I was SO happy to be able to get into the shower! I had to have my coffee, Nutella & neighbor time first, though. So I was preparing & could hear the the stupid mail truck for blocks, so I figured I could get cleaned up & shaved (I wouldn't want to be accused of trying to stab someone if they got next to me) before I checked the mail.

So, I got cleaned & smoothed, then checked to see if Hubsy had come home for lunch yet. He hadn't, so I started to go out to get the mail, since I didn't hear the truck anymore. I went to open the front door to head out there when I looked down & realized ----- I was still wrapped in my towel!

My, my! That would have made some of the neighbors happy, I'm sure. Probably not-so-much to others. Super embarrassing for me. But - I bet if the crusty, grumpy mailman had come around at that time, he may not have been so grumpy anymore.

Luckily it was averted. Not exactly the "Good Neighbor" gesture I had in mind.
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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Double Belt "Fashion"

If you are following my mommy-fashion advice, then you know I've only given one tip so far. So what can we pair with the new Mom Jeans? Read on.

The other day, I had a certain outfit on for one event, then came home & changed to something else. I left on my same jeans for both outfits. (My new bootcut jeans, not my work-in-progress mom jeans.) In transfer of outfits, I did something by accident that I felt like such a dork about! And? I didn't realize until later in the day when I used the restroom. That's when I discovered what I did:

I double-belted. Not even in the fun 80's style of several dangly belts on purpose; I'm talking a belt to hold up my pants & an accessory belt! But it's not as bad as it sounds! I swear!

As a mommy, I do still have what I call my "mommy-hips". Jeans & pants seem to fit this kind of hips differently. So, I do end up wearing a belt sometimes. But I also am a bit modest & will wear longer tops to help cover this physical attribute. Sometimes it's a tunic, mini dress as a tunic, long sweater, etc. Sometimes, these tops need a little umph, so I add a belt, of sorts, to help accentuate/create the illusion of a waist. I'm not big, just a self-conscious thing.

Well, on the day that I am speaking of, I realized that I had the belt on to keep up my pants, a longer shirt (not even a tunic this time), and a really cool belt over. However, if my top scooted up a little bit, you would have seen my amazing-crazy fashion goof! The fashion police would have arrested me right then & there!

Now let's keep this in mind: I (choose to) believe that this goof was genius!

Think about! As long as you wear a tunic of sorts over the top of your jeans, wear the belt THROUGH the loops to keep the pants over your mommy hips, and then the cute decorative belt OVER the tunic for your pop!

And? You can totally pull this off when you wear your Mom Jeans, too.

You're Welcome.
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Friday, September 23, 2011

Omelette Friday

Really? Of course this is how my Fridays have been going lately!

If you have read my 1st Omelette post or my 2nd Omelette post, you now have an idea about how this one will be going.

Fridays are a day when some necessary shopping gets done & I can partake in other things as I enjoy my day with Hubsy. *wink, wink*

Well, we've had very omelette-like Fridays lately, so this would be our first "back to 'normal'" Friday since school started. Right?

Well, I was getting ready for the store, making the list, etc., and got cleaned up, but had the notion to "switch things up a bit". *wink, wink* Hubsy did point out that he wondered if the day would now be thrown off. Whatever.

Well, we decided to check out a store or two after lunching & before heading to the store. That's when it started going haywire:

Teen Diva (you knew she had to be coming into this somewhere) had not made up her mind about going to an event this weekend which she would need tickets for. As we were planning our weekend, I thought I'd text her to see if she'd thought about it for sure. She texted back that she was "going to ask me earlier" if I could bring some $$ to her so she could get a ticket. REALLY? Not sure when she expected to tell me! When it would be too late & then we'd have to hear her tantrum about it? After making her feel bad about it & saying we were already out doing stuff & not sure I could get to her, she sent the whiniest text back (I could hear it, trust me).

In the meantime, hubsy was invited to play golf with a couple of guys that we were just having a conversation about. Well, it would work out for him to go play golf if I went & to give Teen Diva the $$ for her ticket. We would just wait on having food in the house.

That's what we decided to do. And (bad mommy) the only reason I decided to give into Teen Diva was because that meant we could go shopping for it. Mama loves a good shopping trip!

So hubsy & I enjoyed our morning (out of order, of course) then went & enjoyed a nice lunch, then went "window shopping", then came home so he could golf & I could "prep for a shopping trip". (Yes, that's what I'm choosing to call it.) We will have to go grocery shopping at some point, too. We will just have to take Teen Diva, Woogie & Bossyhead with us, too. D'oh! Forgot about that part!

So, my Friday really was scrambled, filled, fried & flipped for sure! Omelette, anyone?
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Thursday, September 22, 2011

Woogie is our Walton

I tend to post a lot about Teen Diva & Bossyhead. They tend to tear our world up the most in the wildest of ways sometimes. But I started realizing that I don't blog about Woogie too much. Usually just a quick little blurb in a Facebook post. So this one is for Woogie!

Woogie is our middle schooler. He is very smart (and I'm not just saying because I'm the mama). He had some medical issues as a baby & has fought through some appearance things. He was so adorable as a tot with a slight speech impediment. As he was getting into awkwardly aging years, there was some bullying going on with him. It has been heartbreaking.

Believe it or not, Woogie is a good kid despite being a teenager. He's not enjoying the transitions going on within him at all. And he doesn't like the way he ends up acting sometimes & he wears his heart on his sleeve. With Woogie, it's all or nothing!

Now because of some of what he has been through growing up, he tends to block things out around him. He is our oblivious child. He can start a conversation with you, no matter what is going on around - even if you are in a conversation with someone else. He tells you all kinds of things he thinks you need to know - even if you don't want to know. He has a vast knowledge of many things and tends to begin a conversation with you in the middle of the thought process already going in his Energizer-bunny-type brain. And, he speaks very loudly. Often.

His ability to talk to anyone at great length about anything at anytime is a blessing and a curse. Bless his heart.

And since he does have such a big heart, he cares what others think - usually. He has a big heart for others & a very charitable heart. He always has. And it's because of this, he is our John-Boy. (reference for those who ever watched the Waltons).

Woogie can't leave the house or go to bed without covering every person at least twice. We literally get this pretty much every morning:
"Bye guys. See you later. Have good days. Tell Bossyhead bye for me. We will see you after school. Hope you have a good days. I love you & see you guys later. Bye."

Or when it's time to go to bed:
"Good night guys. Have a good night. Sweet dreams. I told Teen Diva good night. I shut up the dog for the night. I brushed my teeth. I'm going to tell Bossyhead good night & tell him sweet dreams. So sleep good guys. I love you. Good night."

I wish I were exaggerating about the Walton-ness of Woogie, but I'm not. Hubsy & I laugh to ourselves about it often. Hubsy has even tried to throw Woogie off guard by doing it back, but the obliviousness of Woogie sets in, and he doesn't get it.

And if you missed why he's called "Woogie", it a mash-up of Wikipedia & Google with a touch of a Star Wars reference. That would be my kid. He can be annoying, but he's a good kid that we are proud of.

So, I hope you liked the post. I hope you read more. Hope it gave you a good snicker. I will see you later. I will check in later. See you soon. Bye.
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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Bossyhead's Cheeky Greeting & Mean Shadow

You may have guessed as to how Bossyhead received his name. And he lives up to it! It's no different in the mornings either. He wants to take over the morning like the whole world is going to wait for him when he's ready.

If you are one of my Facebook or Twitterhood neighbors, you may have seen the name that Bossyhead named his hiney. If you missed it, a few mornings ago he referred to his rear end as his "cheeky buddies". I really did want to be mortified, but I was so caught off guard, I just started giggling. So imagine when I'm trying to wake him up this morning. No different than usual really, just being a booger getting around. I left his room for a moment & came back to get him just to see Bossyhead's Cheeky Buddies in the air, facing the doorway where I'm standing, with his thumbs at his hips with fingers spread open. His hands were twisting front-to-back while Cheeky Buddies were swaying back-&-forth. That's right - Bossyhead's Cheeky Buddies greeted me with a "na-na-na-boo-boo". Awesome.

Then, when I FINALLY got him around, fed, dressed, teeth brushed, hair done, jacket on, backpack ready & on with lunch in hand, we headed to the bus stop. While waiting on the bus, Bossyhead likes to pull out another friend of his who is really mean! His shadow! His shadow is a bully & likes to try to beat up mommy's shadow. Bossyhead has a Shadow Bully. I tell him to control his Shadow Bully, but he seems quite amused to unleash it - on me.

I know what you're thinking right now. You are super jealous of my mornings!
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Monday, September 19, 2011

Why I Feel This Way About the Mailman

In my 1st post about the mailman, and my 2nd post, you should have an idea how I feel about the mailman. After the 2nd post, I now have proof!

I want you to look at this picture:

Do you see the size difference in these boxes? It's pretty obvious, I think.

In my last post about a particular "delivery" that the mailman "refused" to deliver & I had to pick it up or schedule a delivery is the small white box - my free perfume sample.

The brown box contained a Jell-O mold I ordered. I found it INSIDE my mailbox today.

So, to make things even more clear, here are the box size differences for you again:

I despise my mailman. Retire already, dude!
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Doormat Duties Reveal Weird Things

I just got back from completing my second week of "doormat duty". And I've been informed that my "sucker duty" will be increasing through the weeks. I think my DOORMAT shirt & SUCKER hat must glow in the dark, too.

So I went in early today to find out that I need to help this other chick make copies so I can get on with what I'm supposed to be doing. This is fine. I have a lot of experience in administrative work, and I did this doormat duty last year, so no big deal. But - this gal I helped had her own crazy system that did NOT meld with mine! I think she was actually more disorganized than me. That's not giving a lot of credit. And I still had my portion of the stuff done & ready before her. *bang head on table* All while she stood looking over my shoulder. We will have to see how this plays out.

On top of that, I rather enjoyed listening to this counterpart going on about how Facebook is a giant time-suck & how she only gets on every couple of months to share pics of kiddos, and about how there is no need to share every detail of their lives all over -- the -- internet -- ummm -- OOPS! Well, here I am. Possibly making an arch nemesis. Once again, we will have to see how this plays out.

When I got my stuff done for what I needed, I had a child come out of Bossyhead's class that is SO funny! Last week, Little Spy told me that Bossyhead brought a toy in his bag that he didn't think should be there. Today, Little Spy told me that he looked in Bossyhead's bag & found -- *big breath in* -- nothing. Little Spy seemed so disappointed that he couldn't bust Bossyhead. Which is so funny since they were such good buddies last year. Kids are funny!

So, that's been my Monday so far. I know - you're jealous.
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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Gave Me Giggles

To all my "stay-at-home-moms". I found this looking for something else, and just had to share this. Just because it made me laugh. Here you go:

How to be a 1950's Housewife - from

Do you dream of a time in the 1950's when rock and roll was just coming on the scene and every girls dream was of her wedding? Well here are a few tips if you want to relive that period of time as the fantasy housewife.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You'll Need
Lot's of energy.
No opinion.
Talent in every area.


Things You'll Need
Lot's of energy.
No opinion.
Talent in every area.

As a housewife of the 1950's you won't be required to hold a job outside the home. In fact you really won't be allowed to because it would be an insult to the male of the family for not being able to provide for his wife and family! So relax and buy a box of bonbon' s.

Always wake at least two hours before your husband so you can shower, do your hair, put on make up and a really nice dress and high heels. You must always look your best when he see' s you first thing in the morning and never, ever have morning breath or look sleepy.

Next cook a nourishing breakfast for the whole family. Stuff them with eggs, beacon, biscuits made from scratch, gravy, milk, orange juice and don't forget the perfect jams and jellies you canned all by yourself during the dog days of summer. Stuff them until they can't move and are sure to gain enough weight to be a battle ship in dry dock.

Be sure when they are getting ready for work and their school day you have clean clothes out for everyone. Do not make them choose their own outfit. Silly woman, that's you job! Always make sure they are wearing the latest up to date styles so everyone will think they are keen.

Be sure you pack a good lunch for them. For the kid's pack a good sandwich, chips, carrot sticks, cupcakes, fruit, a thermos of milk and a thermos of hot soup! Don't forget the note with words of love and support.

Now it's time for you! First refresh your makeup and hair. Then start with cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom. Don't worry if the floors look clean enough because it's still best to clean them again so your family can make you eat off of them and not worry about your health.

Now for all the laundry you must gather from each room in the house and start washing. Never day them in a dryer. That is a waste of money when you can spend time hanging them on an outside line for the fresh air scent. When they are finished drying you will bring them in, sprinkle them with a little water and roll them in a tight ball so you can iron it all the next day. Make sure to keep it all in the laundry room out of sight of the husband and kid's. They deserve a relaxed life.

Next pick up the living room, bedroom, and all other rooms in the house. Dust everything within an inch of it's life and vacuum all floors. Now clean the bathroom and scrub every surface for the fresh clean smell. You would never want your family to see anything disgusting in your bathroom and you really don't want the neighbors to inspect your work when they come to visit.

Well, it's time for a break. Make yourself a light lunch of salad, no dressing and an apple. Don't want to lose the figure you had the day you got married. You know, when you were 18 years old, 2 less kids, one less husband and 20 less years! While you are eating you can watch your favorite soap opera while darning the socks of the whole family or creating lovely clothes by hand or polishing all the stainless steel you own. Never let the grass grow under your pretty high heels! Be productive while relaxing.

The kids will be home from school soon so you must make sure you have made a batch of home made cookies with plenty of butter and sugar. A big glass of chocolate milk and their favorite TV shows while they do their homework.
You will be making dessert for tonight, putting the dinner to cook of ham, fresh peeled and mashed potatoes, fresh green beans with bacon, more biscuits and lots of butter!

Now all you have to do before hubby gets home from work is set the table, clean the rooms again, make the kids clean up and look cute as pie, refresh yourself with a new dress and different shoes. Evening hair do, nice makeup, a happy smile and NO complaints about anything.

As he walks in the door you hand him the paper, his favorite drink, ask how his day went and then leave him alone for 30 minutes while you finish dinner, get it on the table and quietly announce it's time to eat.
After he and the kids finish dinner you clear the table, wash all the dishes by hand, dry them and put them away, clean the kitchen again and look perky!

The family watches TV together or plays a game, eats more dessert and then wanders off to bed.
Now it's time for you to go to the bedroom, turn down the covers, fluff the pillows, take a quick shower and put on a pretty nightie, put on fresh makeup, do your hair again down this time and call for hubby to come to bed. You read while he relaxes and when he is ready for a little fun you will be just as ready and excited he is giving you his time. Oh,oh...he is tired now and finished. He rolls over, goes to sleep and you slip away to the bathroom to put on fresh makeup in case he wakes in the middle of the night and sees your face. You must always look your very best!

Ahhh... peace at last. Now for the well deserved 4 hours of sleep before you do it all over again.
Tomorrow is ironing day, baking bread day, going to the store day for anything the family wants and you will do it all as the lovely, skinny bride you were 20 years ago and with a smile on your pretty little face. After all you don't have to hold a job and support the family.
Where are those bonbon' s?

Tips & Warnings

If you are woman enough to do all this without complaint then more power to you.

Buy dollar store makeup because you are going to go through a lot of it.

Beware of homicidal thoughts and fantasies.

Read more: How to be a 1950's Housewife |

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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Oops She Did it Again

If you were already one of my neighbors about a week ago, you will remember I brought up in a status about Teen Diva setting her alarm for once, but sleeping through it because she was asleep on her floor on the other side of the bed.

'And in shocking news: Teen Diva actually set her alarm last night! Not so shocking news: she was sleeping through it...on the floor...on the opposite side of the bed. I'm concerned that may have been the wrong side of the bed. Good morning, to me. Need that coffee - and a small investment in Via.
September 1 at 5:44am'

OK, so she forgets to set her alarm & I have to get her anyway. Well, imagine my surprise when I was approaching the bedroom door while hearing her alarm. I did quickly figure out that she wasn't hearing it. When I opened the door, it was like deja vu.

I opened her bedroom door to see that her bed was empty & she was responding to me from, you guessed it - the floor, on the opposite side of the bed!

Now she doesn't usually set her alarm. I am the alarm that makes sure she actually gets out of bed, too. And, she is usually IN her bed. So I don't know what it is about setting your alarm & then going to sleep on the floor nearly as far away from the clock as possible, but I think she's defeating her own purpose.

Either way you look at it, I come to get her anyway.
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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Oh No He Didn't

OK, many of you know how I feel about the mailman. If not, you need to read the previous post concerning this to fully understand.

Yesterday, I could hear the truck throughout the neighborhood, because it's obviously not fixed yet. He was going extra slow yesterday, but whatever. I went out to get the mail, and I found a little form from the post office stating that they had tried twice to deliver a parcel to me, but since no one was here to receive it, I could either to the post office to get it or fill out the form to tell them when to deliver it. Well I certainly did not want to deal with the mailman, so I decided to pick it up at the post office. I was picking up Teen Diva from school anyway & the post office is right by her school - so it was really convenient to just pick it up myself.

I was baffled as to what it might be though. I had received a package not long ago that had a second parcel that was supposed to come with it. I had contacted the company sending me my stuff that I didn't get all of it, so I found a replacement (?) on my front porch - sent through the mail, mind you. (see the other blog post to know how that goes) So that is why I was so baffled that they couldn't deliver whatever it might be!

I picked up Teen Diva & went over. We waited in a long line to find out what it was. My only guess is it was the missing parcel from the 1st delivery. Imagine my shock when I finally got to a cashier & to see what she brought out to me...

This woman brought out a box - a white box - a white box that could hold a CD or DVD. Seriously. Now, I was even more baffled. Then I got thinking - I sent off for a free sample of a Burberry scent, but certainly this wasn't it - couldn't be!

A few months ago, I sent off for a Jell-O mold & it was crammed into our mailbox. Our mailman puts also puts the mailed boxes of checks in there, so this box given to me would have fit in the mailbox.

So, I am trying to figure out, for the life of me, why this guy couldn't put a freaking PERFUME SAMPLE in the mailbox.

That's right. I went to the post office to pick up a free perfume sample. A PERFUME SAMPLE! Teen Diva couldn't believe it either. I was inconvenienced because this guy refused to put a smaller box than a Jell-O mold into the mailbox - twice. And I didn't even know about it those times. The form was my breaking news.

I know I've said it before, but if the post office is about ready to shut down operations, wouldn't they try anything to keep things going? Like maybe starting with overall customer service? Since things have gone all "digitized" in that department, the postal employees have cared so much less.

So, any thoughts on what I can do to this crusty, grumpy, old mailman? He's willing to walk up to the front door to drop things on our porch, but won't leave my free sample in the mailbox? Because I am sensing a disgruntled employee who needs to retire soon...very, very soon.

On a brighter note, Teen Diva & I smelled really good on the way home. She said we smelled expensive. HA!
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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Redefining the Mom Jean

Woogie has a really bad habit of not cleaning out his pockets before putting pants in the laundry. I would generally think about emptying them, but he keeps his laundry in his room for long periods of time; by the time I get laundry from him, I'm so excited that he is going to wear clean clothes that I forget about the pockets.

Woogie likes to keep pens & pencils mostly in his pockets. Well, I discovered, in the dryer, pens & parts as well as mechanical pencils & filler lead falling out of the front of the dryer when I opened the door. The pen & parts were of the black ink sort. So I frantically started pulling out this large load of laundry to see how much of it was ruined! The only marks on anything I found were a few red marker-like dots on a pair of Teen Divas shorts (she needs to get rid of them anyway) & a couple of the same mark types on a pair of pants of mine that I REALLY like. Then, when all of the clothing items were removed, there it was...the red pen. It marked up the inside of the dryer a little, but it turned out to be a miracle load of laundry!

So I got thinking, which can be scary sometimes, but here goes: as a mom, we tend to get spills & stains of all sorts on our pants. We work hard to get out or cover up the bleach drips, ketchup or mustard drops, blood streaks from wounds (or otherwise), grass stains, pen marks, dirt, spit up, wine, mystery marks, etc. But stop to think why we try. They should be like our war wounds of what we go through. Screw trying to get them out! Set those suckers in & show the world what we do.

So, this is my proposal for the new Mom Jean: have the stains & distress already in them as they continue to be a work in progress. They are a canvas of mommy art & still fashionable. Forget the high-waisted, tapered things that carry the name now. Let's work to reinvent them! And just add glitter (if it isn't already spilled on it from a craft) with wine stains to become your cocktail mom jeans. Add a pretty blouse or sweater & heels for the adult night out.

Who's on board? Work it, girl!
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What Has Happened to Me?

I became a S@HM for the 3rd time over two years ago. In between, I had a working life.

When I was at a J.O.B., I found that my holiday or wish lists included things to look good for work, things that would help me through the day, gift cards that I could get that stuff myself, etc. But lately I began to realize these wants have changed.

I have started baking more in the last year. I realized that I wanted several things for that: baking pans, utensils, major mixers, etc. Trust me, 5 years ago, this never would have crossed my mind!

Also, a few days ago, we had some chicken thawed out for hubsy to grill. The one day that fit in our schedule for him to grill, he didn't feel like it. I can count on 1 hand how many times I have ever fixed chicken. Seriously. Usually that's a thing hubsy works with. Well, we had to use the chicken. I know many are pulling out the crock pots again, so I decided to do the same. You know - "lazy cooking". I threw in some seasoning stuff that hubsy would have used for grilling into the crock pot with the chicken. Very happy with how it came out & I didn't have to worry about burning it. So, since our crock pot was one of our wedding gifts, which was before timers were being put on them, I find myself wanting to do more lazy cooking & get an updated crock pot.

Really? A mixer? A crock pot? What is happening to me? Just the other day, hubsy took Woogie & Bossyhead to the driving range while Teen Diva stayed home to break into some sewing & I stayed around to bake. Uh - what stereo types did we just become? I think I'm more bothered that I was OK with it!

I have read articles around gift-giving holidays that there are certain gifts you should NEVER give a woman. One of the things pointed out happened to be kitchen appliances, even if she asks for it. Two years ago, or before, I would have completely agreed with it! However, if I ask for this stuff - I really do want it! I would be so overjoyed by getting a new big mixer or a fancy lazy cooker!

Trust me. If any family members ever read this, they would be taking me to a hospital or checking me into a psyche ward. Luckily, this is my time away from them, so I can look & feel pathetic to my neighbors.

So, you can get me a new coffee pot, too.
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