Thursday, April 17, 2014

Making Mountains Out of Mole Hills

I did something today. Something I should have done a long time ago.

After BOO & BEA ESCAPED not too long ago, and I got a couple cards in the mail to Vicky's Hideout, I needed to find a new brassiere accommodation system of prison pods for the girls.

A few years ago, Oprah had a mass bra fitting at her studio with the females of her audience. They came out all confused about their new size! Smaller widths & bigger cups were getting them all excited! But I thought I knew mine. And since I had the means, I thought I'd make it official.

So, for the first time ever, I got the twins measured.

Now I need you to understand that, in the days of development, I probably did not really need a bra. I could have put Scotch tape over my peaks & it would have been fine. And I've always dealt with a midsize portion ideal for a long time.

However, I have now discovered why the girls were trying to bust out. They were not comfortable in their accommodations.

As the adorable 20-something girl quickly strangulated the twins with her tape measure, she dashed out of the fitting room proclaiming that I was needed a WAY different size than I had EVER thought I'd ever hear!

Teen Diva had expanded my ribcage when I was pregnant with her. Not the funnest game of hide-&-go-seek ever. So it expanded my rib area a bit. However, the undercarriage of the twins' hammocks were actually the size I might have been in high school. Now, let's discuss the hammock size.

I have never paid mind to the big-boob-girl problems. I know females with big boobs. I had a friend wish she could be a donor for me. Seriously.

So imagine my shock when the girl hammocks should be the size of big boob problems!! My eyes popped out of my head & I started laughing. The poor Vicky's girl couldn't figure out why I was cackling as she was handing me a pile of over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders & running through the types very quickly. She may have wanted to get out of the dressing room while she had a chance. She was probably also thinking the walls in that one should be padded like a push up to contain the mad woman she was leaving in there.

Imagine my shock when those chest slings actually fit! I giggled the whole time.

I do think, however, I scared off the poor bra girl. She ran away quickly & another stepped into her place. I'm not sure the new 20-something girl was warned about the mad woman in the push-up padded dressing cell. I figured out what would work for my magical new boobs & told her I found something. She asked if the fit worked - well, I started cackling again! I think SHE needed to put her eyes back into her head. She kept telling me that "size didn't matter" & the whole thing about "as long as it's a good fit" spiel.

I, then, realized she had no idea that I had walked into Vicky's that day with pretty mediocre mole hills, and walked out of there with MOUNTAINS!

Boo & Bea are, in fact, a documented mountain range. Kind of reminded me of Mt. Rainier:
You have no idea it's there most of the time. But then - one day - BAM! Mountain!

I told Hubsy about it. We were confused & amused by my magical new boobs.

Darn it! I should have waited until our anniversary to tell him! He would have thought I got him a mountain range as a gift!

Oh - and they may have this mad woman's mug posted behind the counter at Vicky's. I'm sure they want to brace themselves & have counselors on hand.

On the bright side, Boo & Bea should be thrilled with their new mountain peak covers.

And I'm going to research big boob problems. Apparently I have them.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Please Don't Tap the Glass

Words can hurt. Especially when ugly opinions, full of lies, of you come back to you. Much like a dysfunctional boomerang that didn't quite make it back to the original thrower.

I try not to get into it too much here, but my family does tend to live in a bit of a fishbowl. We forget that sometimes. We swim around in our lives, minding our own business - then, BAM! It turns out there's eyes on us from everywhere, judging what we do.

Hubsy is the boss of a particular business branch. He has the say in what happens in his part of this business. There are higher ups not at this location, but for the most part - the buck stops with him.

In that mix, the kids & I are looked a lot, too. Even if we do our own thing, the clientele & some staff want us to show up to what they want us to. They want us to act like they want us to. Hubsy reminds them often of our individual personalities & talents - but we are expected to swim through hoops that we don't want to swim through.

The fish you see in that aquarium (whether it's yours, the one at the doctor's office, or the one at the restaurant) came from somewhere else. Those fish have been put there to entertain you. Those fish just want to go about their business, make their own friends, find their own place. Maybe the fake shipwreck isn't their favorite place. Maybe the fish really likes the fake coral reef. Don't expect the fish to go over to the boat for YOUR entertainment.

You start tapping the glass to see if you can get the fish to do what you want; coerce it to try to go where you want it to - because that's what YOU want to see.

The fish is trying to be happy settled in the plastic coral, but is quickly becoming agitated by tapping on the glass. Then, the watcher complains that the fish isn't doing anything, and then thinks the fish should be removed from the tank & either flushed or sent to another aquarium somewhere else.

I'm in that aquarium. So is my family. And we are being watched. Often. Or we are not being watched & listen to people assume we are not doing what they want us to do.

We are not here for other's entertainment. You can train me as well as you can train a fish.

So, just know that if you get a fish - enjoy the fish for what it is. Let it do it's thing. Just because you want the fish do swim in circles or swim through the boat, don't get upset if the fish just enjoys sitting in the plastic reef. Don't tap the glass thinking you are going to make it do something else. Would you really just flush it or send it to an aquarium or fishbowl somewhere else?

I'm not on a pedestal & I'm not here to entertain you. I'm here to use my talents & gifts the way I am called to do. OK, maybe it is to entertain you, but on my terms - not yours.

Think about that with celebrities, too. We look into their fishbowl lives & then tap on the glass when they don't entertain us the way we want them to.

So, I'm just asking right now:

Either come in & swim with us, or just walk away. Nothing for you here.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Mama Really Does Know Best

It is crazy to believe that Teen Diva is in her last few weeks of high school. Where does the time go?

The current event focus is prom. PROM!! Supposedly the best night of your entire high school career! (Next to every homecoming dance, or graduation, or whatever. Prom.)

It's the night you look like a princess (hopefully), and you have the best date EVER, and he's like totally your boyfriend, and, like, totally the man of your dreams...and he's gonna be a perfect gentleman, and he's gonna buy you dinner & the ridiculously priced tickets, and a limo waiting with a perfect corsage. *SIGH*

But then what happens when he's not quite the gentleman? Oh, this could go several ways. I'll let your brain take one of those trails on it's own.

But I have come up with a plan as only a mama could!

My daughter will get to go to prom, look like a princess, feel like a princess, have fun, have a date, not get her heart broken, and will not have to worry about after-date pressure!

Are you ready to hear this tip?

Before I give you the tip, let me give you the date story first. You'll see where I'm going with this:

Teen Diva has this guy "friend". We are gonna call him "Lanky". Teen Diva & Lanky have this "complicated" relationship...probably the kind that Facebook means in that option of a relationship status. It's like an open flirtationship, but they are like an old married couple, too. It's like they are Will & Grace, but Lanky is more straight than Will. Maybe they are a little more like Beca & Jesse from 'Pitch Perfect.' You know - that whole "whatever this is" kind of relationship. It makes us crazy!

Will & Grace                      Jesse & Beca

However, last year, he sweetly asked Teen Diva to his prom (as they attend different schools) in, what has been dubbed, a "promposal." Don't even get me started on these! But this one was not done in some crazy and over-the-top fashion. It was very personal, didn't involve a crowd & wasn't recorded for some show or news team. However, she had to turn him down! It was the same weekend of her school play, which she had a very large role in. He seemed to understand (he's a theater kid, too), but she was heartbroken. We totally understood.

When this year came around, Lanky told Teen Diva he wanted to take her to her prom & with the same promposal as last year. Don't worry - Teen Diva loved just as much. So when they began to plan it out, it turned out his prom was on the same night as hers. And? He'd already promised someone he was going with them to HIS prom. Teen Diva was disappointed, but not upset. We were confused.

Here we were - all excited she was going to have a date to prom (because she never had a date to any homecoming dance), and then...BOOM!
I like Lanky OK, but he's kind of weird. And he has a thing for my daughter, but he keeps getting other girlfriends. Don't get me wrong - Teen Diva does the same with him, but they are not helping each other. So, not sure how I would trust this guy taking my kid to prom anyway.

No matter, Teen Diva decided she would go with her very good friend, "Clone Diva". Clone Diva is almost just like Teen Diva, they just don't look alike. But, WOW, do they ever act alike!
So Teen Diva & Clone Diva were just going to stag, but as each other's dates. WAH-Wah-waaahh...(that's a sad trombone playing)

Clone Diva's mom got the girls a limo to go in. That's pretty awesome. Teen Diva is narrowing down a dress. Clone Diva already has a dress, and was trying to get Teen Diva to have a dress almost just like hers! Uh - that won't happen. But it came to light that Clone Diva was going to her former school's prom with a good guy friend of hers. So, I got thinking.

Teen Diva has a really good childhood guy friend that she keeps in contact with. They don't get to see each other very often since they are at different schools now, but they are always entertaining when they are together. I had always thought that they should get married later in life! He is a theater kid, too. His dad is a big local actor. So we are going to call this friend "Performance Guy".

I decided to try to convince Teen Diva to track down Performance Guy & see if he would be her date. She laughed at the idea, but then decided she would check with him. So she had an impromptu promposal text conversation:

          TD: Hey! What do you have going on [date of prom]?

          PG: I don't think I have anything going on. Why? What's up?

          TD: How would you like to hang out with me for about 4 hours 
while wearing a tux?

          PG: SURE! I would love to!

          TD: You do know I'm talking about prom, right?

          PG: I figured!

It was a resounding "YES"!! And they are planning out how they are going to look.

Teen Diva just wanted to look like a Disney princess for her senior prom. We could not afford the ball gowns she truly wanted. Sad, I know. I do wish we could have done the Cinderella-looking dress that looked amazing on her. But we had her looking at other dresses, too - just in case. She tried on a mermaid-style dress. It's a turquoisey-tealy green kind of color. It looked awesome on her! And, I did remind her that it looked very Ariel. She is a lot like Ariel in a whole lot of ways. Well, except for that swimming underwater thing - but personality, looks, etc. Yeah - that.

So I was helping her imagine if she had a prom style that was Ariel inspired. It would still be very Disney princess! But then I got her thinking that if she took Performance Guy as her date - he could have his style look like...


Yes - not Eric, but Flounder.

Image of Ariel & Flounder via superwolfqueen21 at deviantART HERE

This would be a totally plutonic date. Performance Guy would totally be Teen Diva's sidekick! Right?

When Performance Guy asked Teen Diva her dress color & wanted to know what he should wear to match, she hesitantly brought up the idea of Ariel & Flounder. He LOVED it & was right on what he might be wearing to escort her! She is delighted!

So, Clone Diva is taking her guy friend & Teen Diva is going with Performance Guy. A double prom date in a limo. It will be held at a beloved stadium in our area. So exciting!

Oh, and I'm so glad she's taking Performance Guy! We know we have nothing to worry about. How do I know this? He is not interested in getting her out of her dress.

Oh wait - did I forget to mention this? He's gay.

Since I know there's no chance of her marrying him, he can at least be her plutonic prom date! He's already making sure she's gonna look fabulous, and he's all in on the Disney theme.

I am so excited for her! And, you know what? They are going to have so much more fun!

No pressure.
No heartbreaks.
Just fabulous fun!

If you're concerned about your daughter going to prom (or homecoming) with a date, just hope she has a really good guy friend who is gay! Have your daughter go with him.

This will be Teen Diva & Performance Guy at prom!

See? Mama knows what she's talking about. Teen Diva is excited & horrified at this revelation.

Oh, and Teen Diva totally has her own Will (Performance Guy) and Jesse (Lanky). So glad she's going with her Will!