Gave Me Giggles

To all my "stay-at-home-moms". I found this looking for something else, and just had to share this. Just because it made me laugh. Here you go:

How to be a 1950's Housewife - from www.ehow.com

Do you dream of a time in the 1950's when rock and roll was just coming on the scene and every girls dream was of her wedding? Well here are a few tips if you want to relive that period of time as the fantasy housewife.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You'll Need
Lot's of energy.
No opinion.
Talent in every area.


Instructions

Things You'll Need
Lot's of energy.
No opinion.
Talent in every area.

1
As a housewife of the 1950's you won't be required to hold a job outside the home. In fact you really won't be allowed to because it would be an insult to the male of the family for not being able to provide for his wife and family! So relax and buy a box of bonbon' s.

2
Always wake at least two hours before your husband so you can shower, do your hair, put on make up and a really nice dress and high heels. You must always look your best when he see' s you first thing in the morning and never, ever have morning breath or look sleepy.

3
Next cook a nourishing breakfast for the whole family. Stuff them with eggs, beacon, biscuits made from scratch, gravy, milk, orange juice and don't forget the perfect jams and jellies you canned all by yourself during the dog days of summer. Stuff them until they can't move and are sure to gain enough weight to be a battle ship in dry dock.

4
Be sure when they are getting ready for work and their school day you have clean clothes out for everyone. Do not make them choose their own outfit. Silly woman, that's you job! Always make sure they are wearing the latest up to date styles so everyone will think they are keen.

5
Be sure you pack a good lunch for them. For the kid's pack a good sandwich, chips, carrot sticks, cupcakes, fruit, a thermos of milk and a thermos of hot soup! Don't forget the note with words of love and support.

6
Now it's time for you! First refresh your makeup and hair. Then start with cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom. Don't worry if the floors look clean enough because it's still best to clean them again so your family can make you eat off of them and not worry about your health.

7
Now for all the laundry you must gather from each room in the house and start washing. Never day them in a dryer. That is a waste of money when you can spend time hanging them on an outside line for the fresh air scent. When they are finished drying you will bring them in, sprinkle them with a little water and roll them in a tight ball so you can iron it all the next day. Make sure to keep it all in the laundry room out of sight of the husband and kid's. They deserve a relaxed life.

8
Next pick up the living room, bedroom, and all other rooms in the house. Dust everything within an inch of it's life and vacuum all floors. Now clean the bathroom and scrub every surface for the fresh clean smell. You would never want your family to see anything disgusting in your bathroom and you really don't want the neighbors to inspect your work when they come to visit.

9
Well, it's time for a break. Make yourself a light lunch of salad, no dressing and an apple. Don't want to lose the figure you had the day you got married. You know, when you were 18 years old, 2 less kids, one less husband and 20 less years! While you are eating you can watch your favorite soap opera while darning the socks of the whole family or creating lovely clothes by hand or polishing all the stainless steel you own. Never let the grass grow under your pretty high heels! Be productive while relaxing.

10
The kids will be home from school soon so you must make sure you have made a batch of home made cookies with plenty of butter and sugar. A big glass of chocolate milk and their favorite TV shows while they do their homework.
You will be making dessert for tonight, putting the dinner to cook of ham, fresh peeled and mashed potatoes, fresh green beans with bacon, more biscuits and lots of butter!

11
Now all you have to do before hubby gets home from work is set the table, clean the rooms again, make the kids clean up and look cute as pie, refresh yourself with a new dress and different shoes. Evening hair do, nice makeup, a happy smile and NO complaints about anything.

12
As he walks in the door you hand him the paper, his favorite drink, ask how his day went and then leave him alone for 30 minutes while you finish dinner, get it on the table and quietly announce it's time to eat.
After he and the kids finish dinner you clear the table, wash all the dishes by hand, dry them and put them away, clean the kitchen again and look perky!

13
The family watches TV together or plays a game, eats more dessert and then wanders off to bed.
Now it's time for you to go to the bedroom, turn down the covers, fluff the pillows, take a quick shower and put on a pretty nightie, put on fresh makeup, do your hair again down this time and call for hubby to come to bed. You read while he relaxes and when he is ready for a little fun you will be just as ready and excited he is giving you his time. Oh,oh...he is tired now and finished. He rolls over, goes to sleep and you slip away to the bathroom to put on fresh makeup in case he wakes in the middle of the night and sees your face. You must always look your very best!

14
Ahhh... peace at last. Now for the well deserved 4 hours of sleep before you do it all over again.
Tomorrow is ironing day, baking bread day, going to the store day for anything the family wants and you will do it all as the lovely, skinny bride you were 20 years ago and with a smile on your pretty little face. After all you don't have to hold a job and support the family.
Where are those bonbon' s?


Tips & Warnings

If you are woman enough to do all this without complaint then more power to you.

Buy dollar store makeup because you are going to go through a lot of it.

Beware of homicidal thoughts and fantasies.



Read more: How to be a 1950's Housewife | eHow.com

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Oops She Did it Again

If you were already one of my neighbors about a week ago, you will remember I brought up in a status about Teen Diva setting her alarm for once, but sleeping through it because she was asleep on her floor on the other side of the bed.

'And in shocking news: Teen Diva actually set her alarm last night! Not so shocking news: she was sleeping through it...on the floor...on the opposite side of the bed. I'm concerned that may have been the wrong side of the bed. Good morning, to me. Need that coffee - and a small investment in Via.
September 1 at 5:44am'

OK, so she forgets to set her alarm & I have to get her anyway. Well, imagine my surprise when I was approaching the bedroom door while hearing her alarm. I did quickly figure out that she wasn't hearing it. When I opened the door, it was like deja vu.

I opened her bedroom door to see that her bed was empty & she was responding to me from, you guessed it - the floor, on the opposite side of the bed!

Now she doesn't usually set her alarm. I am the alarm that makes sure she actually gets out of bed, too. And, she is usually IN her bed. So I don't know what it is about setting your alarm & then going to sleep on the floor nearly as far away from the clock as possible, but I think she's defeating her own purpose.

Either way you look at it, I come to get her anyway.
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Oh No He Didn't

OK, many of you know how I feel about the mailman. If not, you need to read the previous post concerning this to fully understand.

Yesterday, I could hear the truck throughout the neighborhood, because it's obviously not fixed yet. He was going extra slow yesterday, but whatever. I went out to get the mail, and I found a little form from the post office stating that they had tried twice to deliver a parcel to me, but since no one was here to receive it, I could either to the post office to get it or fill out the form to tell them when to deliver it. Well I certainly did not want to deal with the mailman, so I decided to pick it up at the post office. I was picking up Teen Diva from school anyway & the post office is right by her school - so it was really convenient to just pick it up myself.

I was baffled as to what it might be though. I had received a package not long ago that had a second parcel that was supposed to come with it. I had contacted the company sending me my stuff that I didn't get all of it, so I found a replacement (?) on my front porch - sent through the mail, mind you. (see the other blog post to know how that goes) So that is why I was so baffled that they couldn't deliver whatever it might be!

I picked up Teen Diva & went over. We waited in a long line to find out what it was. My only guess is it was the missing parcel from the 1st delivery. Imagine my shock when I finally got to a cashier & to see what she brought out to me...

This woman brought out a box - a white box - a white box that could hold a CD or DVD. Seriously. Now, I was even more baffled. Then I got thinking - I sent off for a free sample of a Burberry scent, but certainly this wasn't it - couldn't be!

A few months ago, I sent off for a Jell-O mold & it was crammed into our mailbox. Our mailman puts also puts the mailed boxes of checks in there, so this box given to me would have fit in the mailbox.

So, I am trying to figure out, for the life of me, why this guy couldn't put a freaking PERFUME SAMPLE in the mailbox.

That's right. I went to the post office to pick up a free perfume sample. A PERFUME SAMPLE! Teen Diva couldn't believe it either. I was inconvenienced because this guy refused to put a smaller box than a Jell-O mold into the mailbox - twice. And I didn't even know about it those times. The form was my breaking news.

I know I've said it before, but if the post office is about ready to shut down operations, wouldn't they try anything to keep things going? Like maybe starting with overall customer service? Since things have gone all "digitized" in that department, the postal employees have cared so much less.

So, any thoughts on what I can do to this crusty, grumpy, old mailman? He's willing to walk up to the front door to drop things on our porch, but won't leave my free sample in the mailbox? Because I am sensing a disgruntled employee who needs to retire soon...very, very soon.

On a brighter note, Teen Diva & I smelled really good on the way home. She said we smelled expensive. HA!
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Redefining the Mom Jean

Woogie has a really bad habit of not cleaning out his pockets before putting pants in the laundry. I would generally think about emptying them, but he keeps his laundry in his room for long periods of time; by the time I get laundry from him, I'm so excited that he is going to wear clean clothes that I forget about the pockets.

Woogie likes to keep pens & pencils mostly in his pockets. Well, I discovered, in the dryer, pens & parts as well as mechanical pencils & filler lead falling out of the front of the dryer when I opened the door. The pen & parts were of the black ink sort. So I frantically started pulling out this large load of laundry to see how much of it was ruined! The only marks on anything I found were a few red marker-like dots on a pair of Teen Divas shorts (she needs to get rid of them anyway) & a couple of the same mark types on a pair of pants of mine that I REALLY like. Then, when all of the clothing items were removed, there it was...the red pen. It marked up the inside of the dryer a little, but it turned out to be a miracle load of laundry!

So I got thinking, which can be scary sometimes, but here goes: as a mom, we tend to get spills & stains of all sorts on our pants. We work hard to get out or cover up the bleach drips, ketchup or mustard drops, blood streaks from wounds (or otherwise), grass stains, pen marks, dirt, spit up, wine, mystery marks, etc. But stop to think why we try. They should be like our war wounds of what we go through. Screw trying to get them out! Set those suckers in & show the world what we do.

So, this is my proposal for the new Mom Jean: have the stains & distress already in them as they continue to be a work in progress. They are a canvas of mommy art & still fashionable. Forget the high-waisted, tapered things that carry the name now. Let's work to reinvent them! And just add glitter (if it isn't already spilled on it from a craft) with wine stains to become your cocktail mom jeans. Add a pretty blouse or sweater & heels for the adult night out.

Who's on board? Work it, girl!
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What Has Happened to Me?

I became a S@HM for the 3rd time over two years ago. In between, I had a working life.

When I was at a J.O.B., I found that my holiday or wish lists included things to look good for work, things that would help me through the day, gift cards that I could get that stuff myself, etc. But lately I began to realize these wants have changed.

I have started baking more in the last year. I realized that I wanted several things for that: baking pans, utensils, major mixers, etc. Trust me, 5 years ago, this never would have crossed my mind!

Also, a few days ago, we had some chicken thawed out for hubsy to grill. The one day that fit in our schedule for him to grill, he didn't feel like it. I can count on 1 hand how many times I have ever fixed chicken. Seriously. Usually that's a thing hubsy works with. Well, we had to use the chicken. I know many are pulling out the crock pots again, so I decided to do the same. You know - "lazy cooking". I threw in some seasoning stuff that hubsy would have used for grilling into the crock pot with the chicken. Very happy with how it came out & I didn't have to worry about burning it. So, since our crock pot was one of our wedding gifts, which was before timers were being put on them, I find myself wanting to do more lazy cooking & get an updated crock pot.

Really? A mixer? A crock pot? What is happening to me? Just the other day, hubsy took Woogie & Bossyhead to the driving range while Teen Diva stayed home to break into some sewing & I stayed around to bake. Uh - what stereo types did we just become? I think I'm more bothered that I was OK with it!

I have read articles around gift-giving holidays that there are certain gifts you should NEVER give a woman. One of the things pointed out happened to be kitchen appliances, even if she asks for it. Two years ago, or before, I would have completely agreed with it! However, if I ask for this stuff - I really do want it! I would be so overjoyed by getting a new big mixer or a fancy lazy cooker!

Trust me. If any family members ever read this, they would be taking me to a hospital or checking me into a psyche ward. Luckily, this is my time away from them, so I can look & feel pathetic to my neighbors.

So, you can get me a new coffee pot, too.
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Omelette Day: The Hectic, The Good, The Bad AND Ugly

Originally, my only obligation for Labor Day was helping out with my goddaughter's 16th birthday. It was happening in my hometown. All of our family also live in my hometown, so once they caught wind of needing to be out there, they started bookending the day quickly. So, if you saw my recent Omelette Week post, imagine it happening within a day.

I got some baking done for the birthday party, but it turned out I burned some of it. Ugh. By the time I figured it out, I needed to go to bed. So I had to redo some of the baking first thing this morning by getting up early. Ugh. I was finishing some laundry, too. I was going like crazy for over 3 hours before I even got to get cleaned up. By then, I had about 45 minutes to get cleaned up & completely ready to begin our day. Teen Diva wasn't fairing so well as she wasted her time. Bossyhead needed cleaned up & tried to worm his way out of it - I won that round. Woogie just went with the flow, luckily. Hubsy decided to leave the premisses while all of this was going on - not a help.

We did make it out the door to go meet my family at a restaurant for lunch & surprise my grandmother. That was a nice visit & we had a great server. Then onto the next part of the day: the birthday party.

Teen Diva & I went to the party. It was great fun, plus I got to hang out with my childhood best friend & her family. We are a big bunch of dorks who can whoop it up with or without help (like wine). We only drank lemonade with the teenagers there, and I think we had more fun dancing & such than they did. What a great time! Then came dinner with the inlaws.

I want to make it clear that I love my inlaws - I really, REALLY do. But it's hard to defend that & show it after this evening. Last weekend, when they were over at our place, we fixed them enchiladas. So when they took the back bookend of the day, they wanted to feed us, too. They hoped for some grilling time, but decided last minute to fix...enchiladas. Plus they were going to invite a whole group of people. This is not a big deal, but stick with me.

My brother inlaw has this one friend who I do not approve of. He is morally screwed up & just not right. He can convince people to do things, but not me. When he comes, guess who leaves the room if possible? *raises hand* I was not informed he was going to be there, and I never want him around my kids - EVER! Well, while Teen Diva & I were whooping it up, the boys were going to go get haircuts. My MIL said that one of the girls coming by does hair & was going to check to see if she could come out early to help out. Well, after all the hair was cut (not happy with Woogie's), we all gathered around to start eating.

As we sat down, in through the back door entered Unwanted. They all know my feelings for this guy. My sister inlaw feels the same way I do & won't let him near her kids either. That should be a hint. Well, I noticed he sat with my kids & the haircutter, then realized he shared a seat with her. I later asked who the girl actually was. As it turns out, she is one of the infidelities of Unwanted. I was angry with my inlaws for making this OK since they know my feelings about Unwanted, but my hubsy too for allowing all of this to be around & touch my children! I'm not speaking to hubsy - or MIL. Never should've happened. I'm still livid.

Maybe I'm tired, maybe I'm PMSing, but the middle part of the whole day is what I'm clinging to. Oh, and the fact that the inlaws didn't dress as twinkie-twins for the first time in weeks. Thank God!

So, how was your Labor Day?
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Get a Flow Chart - It's My Fault

I'm not even sure how it happened - but I have an idea:

If you kept up on Facebook with our family visit to 'Hillbilly Fest' (name given by a friend), then you will understand our late afternoon. We didn't stay very long due to the enormous amount of Labor Day weekend crowds there, anyway. Since we were all hungry, we decided to leave to get something to eat.

Hubsy began to poll the kids about eating establishment possibilities. Of course they were all over the board, but a pizza joint & a sub sandwich place seemed to be the front runners. Bossyhead was loudly hoping for the sub sandwich place, but the vote (apparently) rested with me. I was hungry & it didn't matter what we had. However, one did win out - pizza sounded better to me than the subs. So, pizza it was!

When we got into the restaurant, it was obvious how cold it was. I figured we would all warm up a bit when we got our food, but it was SERIOUSLY cold! And it didn't help that our food took a LONG time to get to us. Teen Diva was already mad that we didn't just pick up some fast food since she didn't want to wait at all. Oops.

As we waited...a long...LONG time, Bossyhead started reiterating how cold it was, figured that if we went to the sub shop, then we wouldn't be cold. He then decided that since the final vote was mine, it was all MY fault he was cold at that moment.

Yes indeed, too smart for is own 6-year-old good.

The food was good, and we all survived.

Did you need that flow chart?
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Only a Liquor Tease

Some of you may have seen not too long ago that I am helping clean out my grandmother's house. I have been having a difficult time with it, and, knowing she doesn't drink or smoke or anything, I joked about hoping to find some wine in her house. Ha. Ha.

Went back to help out some more today. I was told to clean out another cabinet, and then - I saw it!

I began jumping up and down when I saw the bottom of a bottle that resembled a wine bottle, if you asked me. I pulled it out in excitement & shock! First, the thought that I'd found a wine bottle WITH liquid in it inside my grandmother's house was just a shock to me. Second, I had deliberately blown off the fact I would ever find liquor of any sort inside that house.

Upon further inspection by hubsy, it was discovered that it was an unopened bottle of...

...


...

...

...sparkling grape juice. Crappola!

I so need a glass of wine after that psyche-out.
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It's Eff Off Friday

Well, neighbors - it's another Eff Off Friday! And I am going to share a couple of them today.

1. Getting Old
This is a rite of passage & earn being able to say things without anyone telling you that you can't, and when people look to you for your wisdom. It also brings forth so many ailments, it makes me sad. When the focus is on which of your friends have gone to the hospital or died, it gets me. When a group of you get together to complain about the younger generation who is different than you, it's disheartening. I want to live a good, long life - but when I come into contact with this, especially several times in the same week, it makes me rethink it.

2. Creepy Guy
I take pride in my hair. No matter how I wear it, it's a "trademark" of sorts. I'm kind of a hair goddess in a weird way. So I do get complimented on it a lot - then that makes me feel good. And I know I've done OK with it when a get a compliment from a gay guy. Those are my favorites! Now let me take you to standing in the check-out line at Walgreen's yesterday: there was this guy in front of me, about my age; he was fairly nice looking, tall, dark, well dressed in his polo & slacks, along with a little bluetooth earpiece in his ear. I thought he'd glanced back at me a couple of times, and then he said it - "I really love your hair." I thanked him for the kind words - and then it got weird quickly. He said he glanced back & thought he was looking at an old movie poster of the woman who's flexing her muscle. My hair was reminicent of Rosie the Riviter so I knew who he was talking about. When I brought up Rosie, he continued,"Yeah! That's who. When my wife & I have kids, and if we have a girl, we are going to hang that poster in the nursery. Wasn't she some kind of pin-up girl?" Yeah - I have no idea what had just happened there either, but I informed him it was about women in the workforce, and he cut me off, "Oh, right, back in World War II." In my house, he is what we refer to as a "creeper". I ignored him after that since he was up at the cashier at that point & I didn't want to hear anymore.



So, to getting old & the creeper guy this week: Eff Off!



I think I feel a little better now.
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I Wore a Bra and Hat For This

If you read my previous post about taking Bossyhead to school, then you know how that tends to go.

He asked me to be a car rider again today. I have not yet cleaned my car, so the chances of things falling out onto someone else's feet are very high. Plus I have some boxes in there too - momentarily. That would block him from getting out on the side they want him to, and I am not moving his booster seat to the other side. So this was going to be entertaining. And I would need to at least wear a hat. Trust me.

As I fretted over the thought of the messy car back in the kiddie drive-thru, Bossyhead tells me there's no need to go through that line. I was confused, but relieved. Then he told me it because he wants me to go into his classroom. WHAT?? Oh, man! That means I actually have to put on a bra & get dressed, AS WELL AS wear a hat. But I had to talk to his teacher anyway about an upcoming "event" we will be unable to attend due to another appointment on the books & priorities.

So I got myself together, helped get Bossyhead together, and took him to school. I will have to admit that walking past the kiddie drive-thru gave me a small sense of relief. And then we walked in.

I spoke to his teacher about the event we would not be at, so she gave me some information about what was going to be covered. She then said that one of the topics was about volunteers & cornered me into volunteering...every week...on Monday mornings. Are you kidding? Talk about feeling blindsided.

I almost felt like Bossyhead & his teacher were in cahoots. That's what I wore a bra & hat for today. Do you think that if I'd left my pajamas on, no bra & crazy bed hair alone, they may have had second thoughts on that volunteering thing?

Something tells me that I will have to put my foot down on Bossyhead being a car rider anymore. The bus is fine transportation.
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