But if you start questioning some of my immediate family, you'll get a much different story ---
I have had a lot of parenting issues with Teen Diva & Woogie due to some "help" from Peeping Mom years ago. Very grateful for having her help in the early stages of me being a working mom AND a brand new mom, however - it had hidden challenges. Little did we know that she was undermining our authority so often. And it was all in an effort to "help." Now there are challenges, still, in having them see me as a parent. It's hard.
It's interesting, though - they only question my parenting & not necessarily those of Hubsy. But then I figured out why:
See, Hubsy is the golden child of his side. *gag* He can do no wrong. It frustrates his siblings, for sure! I am the second marriage for him. Trying to be chivalrous the 1st time around, he married this other woman because he got her pregnant & thought is was the right thing to do. But it proved challenging since he didn't love her (and probably vice versa), but they had this kid to raise. So, after their divorce, Queen MILly was helping to "raise" my stepdaughter. And in the mess of everything, since I wasn't "the mom", I was not viewed very well. Not that the actual mom was either, but I wasn't the biological mom, and I'm stealing the golden child, so I was not exactly looked well upon. However, I was told I need to step up the "mom-role" with the girl, but when I did, I was being over bearing & told I shouldn't do that; on the flip-side, when I backed off, I wasn't doing enough & I should do more. Obviously, a no-win situation. So she was always told by Queen MILly to listen to either her, her father, or bio mom. I was often shoved aside.
Fast forward to me having my older two, Hubsy's side would tell Teen Diva & Woogie to only ask him or talk to him. I was never included in their view of authority. Frustrating. And it was hard!
Now, on both sides of the coin, there are game-players. You know the ones: anyone who just uses those close to them as game/chess pieces to help them get what they want. Yeah, them. And I don't play those games [anymore]. Because I have figured out that I don't want to be another pawn, I am not a game-player.
I have figured out that I will not compromise who I am or how I act based on how someone else wants me to act just to make THEM happy or feel more superior. I ain't here to kiss rings, feet, or to kneel or bow to anyone. They don't have to like it, but I won't lower myself to levels like that.
It's because I refuse to be a pawn in so many games that I am really viewed as a villainess on both sides of the family.
So imagine when a lot of it culminated when I found out the family alliances going on with both sides of the family against me. And when much of it appeared under 1 roof at the same time! Well, it happened.
I'd seen the ugly from both sides & have pointed out to them before. When one side is mad at me because they don't care, but I should cater to them anyway, to the other side who thinks they care too much & it has actually shoved me aside "out of love" - well, it doesn't end well. And when I don't want to talk about it since I know the friction it will bring, I'm awful for that, too.
Do I realize I'm the common denominator in this? Yep, I sure do. However, it's not like I'm being vilified for a particular quirk. It's literally because I won't bow or cater to several people at once in two totally different family situations.
And, there I was at a family wedding, standing in a little black dress, being told by one side that I can either just be coordinator or just sit in the masses as a guest while the other side shows up seeing what my reaction would be to being so fully undermined it's ridiculous. And, there I was able to tell people what to do & where to go (take that as you will), in my beautiful Isaac Mizrahi cocktail dress, and able to see that I don't fit in with any part of the family that doesn't live under my roof.
While all of this was building up, I have been confiding in a good friend who is very much like me. She has also dealt in many of the same things I have within her family. Then she gave me a bit of advice that made total sense. She asked me,
"Do you know why you are viewed the way you are & you are used as the shared scapegoat? It's because you are a strong personality, like me, and they don't know how to deal with our strength of character."
Whoa. That was deep. And the more I thought about it, the truer it sounded.
There are several traumatic things that have happened to me over the years, and most of them have come from & because of the 2 alliances. And when I bring up those traumatic things to remind them where that part of the relationships were "shaped" from (or made it more broken), I'm told to get over it. These situations were very bad. very, Very, VERY bad. And I believe it's even worse when both sides of these alliances don't think that what was done & my being thrown under the bus should be considered a big deal.
I am using images of Sarah Ferguson for this post. She is a strong & fabulous redhead that was vilified by the Royal Family. She was shunned & dissed for some things. Now she didn't make the best of choices, don't get me wrong, but I understand the way she was treated.
You must understand that, when you have to stand up for yourself & try to defend or protect your family from the vileness that has been thrown at you, it will look like this:
Yes - all of these reactions happen when I stand up for myself & protect/defend my family. I look like a crazed woman. But I don't back down off of my stance.
When there are these "family folk" who try to tout having such strong family values, these are the same ones who have screwed me over in a whole lot of ways. You shouldn't bully family & think it's OK. But they do.
So I've decided to join ranks with some of the most amazing & recognizable women:
And I will be fabulous in my role of the villainess.
I am the redheaded black sheep of the family, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.
And may God help the souls who get yanked into & become lost in "The Game".
And may God help the souls who get yanked into & become lost in "The Game".
