Villainess in the LBD

Believe it or not, people really do like me. I swear!

But if you start questioning some of my immediate family, you'll get a much different story ---

I have had a lot of parenting issues with Teen Diva & Woogie due to some "help" from Peeping Mom years ago. Very grateful for having her help in the early stages of me being a working mom AND a brand new mom, however - it had hidden challenges. Little did we know that she was undermining our authority so often. And it was all in an effort to "help." Now there are challenges, still, in having them see me as a parent. It's hard.

It's interesting, though - they only question my parenting & not necessarily those of Hubsy. But then I figured out why:
See, Hubsy is the golden child of his side. *gag* He can do no wrong. It frustrates his siblings, for sure! I am the second marriage for him. Trying to be chivalrous the 1st time around, he married this other woman because he got her pregnant & thought is was the right thing to do. But it proved challenging since he didn't love her (and probably vice versa), but they had this kid to raise. So, after their divorce, Queen MILly was helping to "raise" my stepdaughter. And in the mess of everything, since I wasn't "the mom", I was not viewed very well. Not that the actual mom was either, but I wasn't the biological mom, and I'm stealing the golden child, so I was not exactly looked well upon. However, I was told I need to step up the "mom-role" with the girl, but when I did, I was being over bearing & told I shouldn't do that; on the flip-side, when I backed off, I wasn't doing enough & I should do more. Obviously, a no-win situation. So she was always told by Queen MILly to listen to either her, her father, or bio mom. I was often shoved aside.

Fast forward to me having my older two, Hubsy's side would tell Teen Diva & Woogie to only ask him or talk to him. I was never included in their view of authority. Frustrating. And it was hard!

Now, on both sides of the coin, there are game-players. You know the ones: anyone who just uses those close to them as game/chess pieces to help them get what they want. Yeah, them. And I don't play those games [anymore]. Because I have figured out that I don't want to be another pawn, I am not a game-player.

I have figured out that I will not compromise who I am or how I act based on how someone else wants me to act just to make THEM happy or feel more superior. I ain't here to kiss rings, feet, or to kneel or bow to anyone. They don't have to like it, but I won't lower myself to levels like that.

It's because I refuse to be a pawn in so many games that I am really viewed as a villainess on both sides of the family.

So imagine when a lot of it culminated when I found out the family alliances going on with both sides of the family against me. And when much of it appeared under 1 roof at the same time! Well, it happened.

I'd seen the ugly from both sides & have pointed out to them before. When one side is mad at me because they don't care, but I should cater to them anyway, to the other side who thinks they care too much & it has actually shoved me aside "out of love" - well, it doesn't end well. And when I don't want to talk about it since I know the friction it will bring, I'm awful for that, too.

Do I realize I'm the common denominator in this? Yep, I sure do. However, it's not like I'm being vilified for a particular quirk. It's literally because I won't bow or cater to several people at once in two totally different family situations.

And, there I was at a family wedding, standing in a little black dress,  being told by one side that I can either just be coordinator or just sit in the masses as a guest while the other side shows up seeing what my reaction would be to being so fully undermined it's ridiculous. And, there I was able to tell people what to do & where to go (take that as you will), in my beautiful Isaac Mizrahi cocktail dress, and able to see that I don't fit in with any part of the family that doesn't live under my roof.

While all of this was building up, I have been confiding in a good friend who is very much like me. She has also dealt in many of the same things I have within her family. Then she gave me a bit of advice that made total sense. She asked me,
"Do you know why you are viewed the way you are & you are used as the shared scapegoat? It's because you are a strong personality, like me, and they don't know how to deal with our strength of character."
Whoa. That was deep. And the more I thought about it, the truer it sounded.

There are several traumatic things that have happened to me over the years, and most of them have come from & because of the 2 alliances. And when I bring up those traumatic things to remind them where that part of the relationships were "shaped" from (or made it more broken), I'm told to get over it. These situations were very bad. very, Very, VERY bad. And I believe it's even worse when both sides of these alliances don't think that what was done & my being thrown under the bus should be considered a big deal.

I am using images of Sarah Ferguson for this post. She is a strong & fabulous redhead that was vilified by the Royal Family. She was shunned & dissed for some things. Now she didn't make the best of choices, don't get me wrong, but I understand the way she was treated.

You must understand that, when you have to stand up for yourself & try to defend or protect your family from the vileness that has been thrown at you, it will look like this:

Yes - all of these reactions happen when I stand up for myself & protect/defend my family. I look like a crazed woman. But I don't back down off of my stance. 

When there are these "family folk" who try to tout having such strong family values, these are the same ones who have screwed me over in a whole lot of ways. You shouldn't bully family & think it's OK. But they do.

So I've decided to join ranks with some of the most amazing & recognizable women:

And I will be fabulous in my role of the villainess.

I am the redheaded black sheep of the family, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.

And may God help the souls who get yanked into & become lost in "The Game".

Parenting Win From the Naughty Side

Hello, Neighbors!

Yes, it's been almost 2 years since I've been around the neighborhood. Actually I moved into the neighborhood just over 2 years ago before needing to get some real life things in order.

I'm not fully back...yet...still not where I can give my neighbors the attention I'd like to give again, but I wanted to share another parenting win with you.

In the 2 years I've been on hiatus, Teen Diva has become a senior. Not sure how that happened, but there you have it. However, she still looks & acts like a middle schooler. That part is frustrating. The acting like one. The fact that she still looks so young will serve her well later in life. But I want to get back to the actions.

Remember back when I had be HOSTAGE TAKER OF ELECTRONICS? Well that hasn't really let up. We can't trust her with her electronics - still.

* Lately, Hubsy has hidden her electronics in one of the drawers of his dresser. It was working pretty well. Then one morning, recently, I busted her with her iPod. I took it & hid it in one of my drawers. And she had a harder grounding with her phone.

* Then I woke her up one morning while she had her laptop with her. BUSTED! Took it & placed it back in Hubsy's drawer & discovered she wasn't supposed to have it. D'oh! More phone grounding.

* When she came home from school the other day, I figured out she was listening to music on something. When I asked what it was, she sighed heavily & handed over her iPod. Hmmm...

* Yesterday morning, I woke her up to having her e-reader AND her phone! Totally Busted! Not supposed to have either.

You see, she'd been rummaging through all of our things to find her stuff & sneak it back. So I hid it ALL in a place where she'd have to work to get to it.

Before I continue, I want to point out that Hubsy & I love to gross out our kids. You know...mushy/gushy sayings of love to each other, big sloppy kisses & fake make-out sessions in front of the kids. It's so much fun to see their faces, watch them twitch & contort, and then to hear the things they say! So entertaining!

Then I got an idea.

An awful idea.

I got an wonderful, awful idea!

See, I have this drawer. Most of you may have one of these. It's not a junk drawer, but instead holds...uh..."special things." You know what I'm sayin'? *wink, wink* 
Some drawers hold pretty, silky, satiny, lacy things;
some drawers hold batteries & leather things;
some drawers hold "literature";
some drawers hold "action" movies;
some drawers hold any combo of the above

No matter, usually it's fun for the grownups to get that moment to rummage through those drawers.

I'm not going to say what is in my special drawer, but I told Hubsy that I plan on moving Teen Diva's electronics into that drawer. So, we she goes rummaging through our things to take back these things...I would love to see her face when she finds that drawer! It will be an glorious & hilarious day!

See? More good parenting at it's finest.

Messin' With Teen Diva

For the parents out there who end up watching the kids' show 'iCarly', you will be familiar with the bit they do called 'Messin' With Lewbert' (insert remote control crowd cheers here). If you don't know what I'm talking about, Carly & her two friends have a web show. They do a bit once in a while that focuses on pranking their horrible doorman at the apartment building. He is pretty nasty - and his name is Lewbert - and he has a nasty, giant wart on his face with a personality to match.

Well, Teen Diva isn't AS bad as Lewbert, but she can get pretty nasty & hateful. She's also fairly gullible & it is SO much fun to mess with! She may learn & become immune to it one of these days - but we will continue to have a lot of fun with it until & if that day ever comes!

If you saw my fantastic parenting in the cell phone blog post, you will know what an issue we can have with Teen Diva & her cell phone. Well, the mean parent struck again with that cell phone. Want to know what I did? Keep reading!

We have a rule about electronics in our house: ALL electronic from the kids (phones, laptops, Nintendo DS', iPods, etc.) MUST be turned in BEFORE they go bed. And they must get permission to retrieve ANY of their electronics. If these are not met, you lose your electronics by discretion. And we do still get them "forgetting" to turn their stuff in & sometimes we get them trying to find a loophole of sorts.

Of course, Teen Diva is a main culprit of this. We hear a lot of excuses as to why things can't be turned in. Usually it's because she "lost" the item in her black hole. She's even snuck her electronics out & tried to tell us that we never gave it back to her from last time, but it's sitting on her bed. Things like that. (a bonus tip: to keep them from sneaking them out during their "grounding", hide electronics in some kind of bag or garment & put it in the trunk of your car. Bwah-hahahaha)

Well, last night, we noticed she never came out of hiding after getting cleaned up. I went to check on her & she was PASSED OUT (almost sleeping beauty-style) on her bed with her phone placed beautifully on her pillow. So - I snuck over to the bed, took the phone, then turned out her light.

Being the "nice mommy", I checked to see if it needed charging. It did, so I plugged in her phone this time, but placed it under an end table while it charged. Apparently she got up at one point & freaked out because she couldn't find her phone.

When I woke her up this morning, I didn't say a word about it. She woke up talking 500 mph about how she looked for her phone & it was right there & she thought she had it & looked everywhere & she doesn't know where it is & blah-blah-blah. She never picked up on the fact that I was really calm about it. I just told her to eat breakfast.

She got done with breakfast early to spend TWENTY MINUTES trying to find her phone in her black hole. I reminded her she needed to get ready for school & to stop looking for the phone. However, in this time, she thought that taking our ONE landline receiver to the black hole to call the "missing" phone was a good idea - even though the cell phone is on vibrate & she now lost the ONE landline receiver in the black hole. Awesome.

I calmly took the phone off the charger & set the phone on her backpack. As she rushed to get herself together, I noticed she had a different, smaller bag. I asked her about her backpack & she said she didn't need it. I did inform her to check her backpack. She did & said she found the phone. She tried to ask me where it was at.

I told her to have a good day & sent her out the door. I wonder if she'll think through not turning in her phone. Well, at least for a week. The freak-out is WAY better than the grounding!

And it's so worth it, but holding her laptop, iPod & DS hostage in my trunk is pretty entertaining.
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Parenting: Teens With Cell Phones

Teen Diva is having some school issues. The kind that we decided to begin emailing teachers to kind of keep up on things. When asking about what work she might be missing, here is a response I got from one of the teachers:

"...Teen Diva has plenty of time to raise her grade before the end of the semester, but she will need to focus better in class. She spends a great deal of time texting and checking her phone. I believe that she could easily complete the assignments in this class, but she seems preoccupied with other matters. I accept late work if it is turned in the day after it was due- but not past that unless there was an illness involved.

Let me know if you have any suggestions- I’m open to any recommendations you might be able to offer!"

Well, first, there is a policy where the teachers are supposed to take cell phones & have parents pick up the phone if caught texting in class. DUH! So that was our "suggestion" to this teacher - actually enforce the policy! DUH!

Well, lo & behold, when I picked up Teen Diva from school,she was complaining that this particular teacher had, indeed, taken her phone & the office was already closed. So she was hoping I'd get it for her the next day (yesterday).

I had a busy day hanging with the neighborhood & really didn't want to go over to the school since she had to be picked up later anyway, PLUS I had to go back over for a meeting that night. Too many trips.

Well, I got a whiney call from her wondering when I was coming to get the phone. I explained that I was waiting for her father to get home so he & I could run some errands a day early since Friday shaped up to be different that usual. Thursdays are "early" days at her school, but she had practice a little later & decided to stay through the down time. I said I couldn't promise coming to get the phone in time & she just needed to know that. But she was still begging for me to come up AND bring her charger!

She was still hoping I'd go get it & take it to her in the library at the school. Folks, this is a big school. I don't know where anything is except the attendance office & main office on my own. Either way, she was staying & I asked her what she planned to do during the down time. She offered up finishing homework & reading her overdue books. Good Idea! But she's pretty social & I knew that probably wasn't happening. Because she forgets we don't sit around all day hoping to do something for her at the very moment she asks. She does get reminded that there is a whole other world out there beyond just her.

Well, I got myself together & decided to go get the phone anyway. Simmer down, it's not "giving in" it's "parenting strategy". Here's how:

I went up to the school, had to go into the main office to pick up & sign out the phone. As I walked out, I looked straight down a hall --- right into the library! Hmmm - do I or don't I? I did! I walked down into a very crowded library! Dang it! So, I did a quick scan & found Teen Diva, sitting on a ledge, chatting with friends. In general, this is fine, but she was supposed to be at a table reading & doing homework. Remember?

So I walked over & approached her all stealth-like. She jumped when she realized I was totally Ninja-Mom, and I handed her the phone. As I handed it to her, I said, "Nice to see you reading." I turned and walked away & I hear as I walked toward the library exit, "But it's dead!" This prompted me to turn back over my shoulder, still walking out, & giving her a shrug. Keep in mind, it was in front of her friends & a crowded high school library.

That, my friends, is parenting! She still got what she wanted, but on my terms & with an element of cold surprise. Bwha-hahahah!
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